I have missed a lot of Sundays and Holy Days in my 20-something years of life. I am certainly not proud of it, but I have received forgiveness through the Sacrament of Confession, thanks be to God. I used to hate going to church. I thought it was boring. I was thinking about all the other things I could have been doing, including sleeping in. My mind certainly was never on the Mass.. not taking in any of the readings, the prayers, or the homily. I didn't like saying the prayers aloud, or singing aloud; I would mouth everything without a sound coming out. My eyes were always on the other people around me.. what they were wearing, who they were, how they were acting. Getting up to receive Communion was more about seeing the other church members and making sure that I wasn't going to trip or step on the heels in front of me, instead of approaching and receiving my Lord Jesus in His Flesh and Blood. At the end of Mass, when the priest says, "The Mass has ended. Let us go in peace to love and to serve the Lord," and we respond, "Thanks be to God," this phrase I did say aloud, excitedly, as if to say, "Thank God the Mass is over and I can go home!!!"
It hurts to admit all these things, but this is who I was. Not all the time, of course. There were times in my life when I was going through tough times or times that I felt close to God, and church meant a little more; but on the whole, my attitude towards church was one of indifference.
When laying out all these confessions, I realize how selfish I was. I wanted the Mass to be about me. I wanted it to entertain me. I wanted the Mass to be at a time that was convenient for me. I didn't want to sing the boring, drawn-out music. I didn't want to sit and listen for an hour. Actually, I would rather have sat the whole time than stand and kneel.
Why did I ever think that church was about me?
Church is not for me. It is not for you. It is not for us. Church is for God. Keep holy the Sabbath Day. Holy. Dragging myself out of bed in my sweat pants and daydreaming for an hour--if I made it to church at all--is not holy. It is not reverent. It is a blatant disregard for the third Commandment. My attitude and actions spoke loudly, and they said, "God, I'm only really supposed to give You one hour a week, to praise, worship, and thank You, as my God, my Creator, my Judge, and the One Who will decide my salvation, but I can't even do that. I want to thank and worship You on my terms, in my time, and how I see fit. Thanks for understanding." I would think about how I would want church... with more fun music, more dialog/interaction within the congregation, maybe even have treats to fill our bellies... but that would have been a way for me to just fit my "worship" in ways that fit and please me based on what I like and what is "cool" at the time.
There were two things that I learned that started my transformation, from dreading Sunday mornings, to now loving Sundays which is now my favorite day of the week:
1. The Mass was not about me. It was not for me, it was for God.
2. I was only going to get out of it what I put into it.
If I was there, wishing that I was somewhere else, not listening to the readings or the homily, and not feeling the presence of God, then I was not going to get anything out of it. So yes, then I would wish I was somewhere else because it seemed like a wasted hour.
Realizing that the Mass was not for me, but for God, transformed my mind into a complete state of awe and reverence. Church used to feel rather informal to me, because I just thought Jesus was my buddy and that I could sort of "hang out" with Him like I would my friends. But this mindset made the Mass about me. I think of Sundays and Holy Days as if they were similar to Mother's Day and Father's Day. On these days, the children are expected to give their complete attention, praise, thanks, and love to their parent. Their gifts are from the heart and for the parent, and without any double motive, like giving Mom your favorite chocolate so that you can have some later, or to give Dad your favorite movie so that you, too, can watch it. But it is about the parents, not the child. The child also doesn't bring their parent to their favorite park or arcade so that the child can have fun. The child usually opts for activities that the parent likes, whether or not the child enjoys it. So, too, is the Mass. Sunday is the Lord's Day, so to tailor the Mass to our liking strips it of its selfless sacrifice and reverence.
I think that whoever can accept the two ideas above can transform their ideas about Mass. Those issues that I had completely fell away, and now I love everything about church. May I just name a few things that I love most?
- I love that the crucifix is front and center in the Catholic churches. As I walk in, it is that first reminder that I am somewhere holy, that I have sinned and caused that crucifiction, and that God is All-Powerful and yet All-Loving.
- I love all of the ritualistic gestures made throughout the Mass. I put my heart into each genuflection before I enter and when I leave the pew; I acknowledge that I am truly in the presence of God, both in His house and facing the ever-present Flesh and Blood in the Tabernacle. I love bowing my head when I say or hear the Holy name of Jesus Christ. He is more than my "home boy;" He is my God, and His name is sacred. I love bowing my head during the Nicene Creed (...And by the Holy Spirit, was incarnate of the Virgin Mary, and became man...). We bow in order to honor one of the most important events in history: when God became man. I love making small crosses with my thumb on my forehead, lips, and heart, before hearing the Gospel. This symbolizes that the word of the Lord be in our minds, on our lips, and in our hearts. I love the change in the wording to the Confiteor, to better reflect the Latin translation, and beating my chest three times (Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault...). My sins are real, and I fully acknowledge them, and the schism they can cause between me and God, and how they block His grace.
- I love to kneel during Mass, to show with my body language humility before God, and to show deep awe, reverence, and respect.
- I love to sing the hymns and responsorial Psalm, because I want God to hear my praise.
- I love to dress up for church, because it puts me in the right frame of mind. I know that I am in a holy and special place (God's house), and I want to show as much respect for Him and His Day as I can.
- I love keeping quiet during Mass (and I love it with people around me are quiet too). It is hard to get your mind right, to fall into deep prayer and meditation, and to drown yourself in God if you are talking to someone or if people are talking around you. It goes back to the Mass being about God and not me. I am not there to socialize, but to worship God, and to come into close union with Him, without worldly distractions.
- Of course, I love the true presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. I love the tedious care that the priests take in handling the bread and wine turned Body and Blood. I love the deep feeling of unworthiness that I feel, not only to be in His presence, but to receive Him. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.
One of my high school Theology teachers used to say something that still sticks with me to this day... he said that you should run to church, with a smile on your face, and look forward to it like it's a holiday or birthday. I loved that idea, even if I couldn't live it for most of my life. But now I can say that I look forward to church. All the problems I had with the Mass were my own problems. Now, I love that time I get to spend with God, both on a personal level because I try to block out all distractions and set my heart on Him, and on a communal level because I am with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm thankful that I have received this grace. As Venerable Fulton Sheen said, "After your car is filled with gasoline, it will not drive itself. Grace will move you only when you want it to move you, and only when you let it move you."
God love you!
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