Missed opportunities

You’ve heard the saying that “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Well, for a long time, I was part of the problem. And in my weak human nature, at times, I am still part of the problem, although I work harder to be part of the solution these days.

 

The solution: to bring people closer to God, to show His love and mercy, to show people true faith and how a life can be happily transformed by this faith, and to help people to get to Heaven.

The problem: either purposefully or by omission, doing the opposite. Pulling people away from God, showing people that He can’t really be trusted with my life so I must keep Him at a distance, and overall, not helping anyone get to Heaven (which means I’m doing the opposite.. giving them the easy paths to Hell.)

 

I think of all the times that I was part of the problem on purpose. The times I told friends that contraception was totally okay and even aided one in obtaining it. The times I told people that pre-marital sex is okay “as long as you’re going to marry that person eventually.” The times I told people it was okay not to go to Confession because God will just forgive me with a simple, “I’m sorry,” in my mind. The times that I said or suggested that living with a boyfriend or girlfriend was okay. The times that I said that the Church was wrong on some of her teachings—on contraception, gay “marriage,” purgatory, or the necessity of Confession. The times I said that I don't need to go to Mass every Sunday to be a good Catholic or a good person. The times I gossiped. The times I said, “I’m Catholic, but…” The times I harbored anger for others and refused to forgive them. I could go on and on…

 

I think of all the times that I was part of the problem just by omission! The times that I didn’t speak up for the Truth. The times I didn’t speak up for true, authentic Church teaching. The times that I neglected to help someone in need. By my lukewarm, “cafeteria Catholic,” God-is-awesome-but-I’ll-keep-doing-what-I-want lifestyle that showed people a horrible example that surely led them away from God and straight towards the gates of Hell.

 

My passion and zeal come from the fact that I came to know God’s will and I changed my life because of it. Perhaps most importantly for the average person, my changed life did not get worse—it got so much better than I thought possible. My life is full of love and peace and faith that I thought was reserved for little old nuns or the pope.

 

But I have a long way to go. I have many wrongs to right as I make a daily vow never to commit those same mistakes again. I will continue to fight against the evils of contraception, which is so obviously tied to pre-marital sex, couples living together before they’re married or even engaged, abortion, infidelity, risky sexual behavior, divorce, and the fact that Americans no longer know what true marriage is. I will continue to show my love for Christ’s Bride, His Catholic Church. The one true Church and the fullness of the Christian faith. I will continue to spread the truth about Divine Mercy.

 

If my voice or my life ever become silent again, I will fall back to being part of the problem. I can’t let that happen. I care too much about souls and their salvation to ever lead them away from the straight and narrow path to Heaven. I lament the missed opportunities I had to be part of the solution, but God has graciously given me more time and I will not waste those opportunities anymore.

To feel the agony of abandonment: Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about my revelation from the Divine Mercy chaplet about Jesus’ Mercy and Passion, especially at His agony from the moment of abandonment in the Garden.

 

It was a blessing that I came to this understanding when I did, because that set the stage to open my heart to graces in similar times of need. I can read about and meditate on Jesus’ agony in the Garden. I can imagine how alone He felt. How disappointed He was that His beloved friends could not stay awake with Him. How He was far from His loving family. How His humanity just wanted to be comforted and embraced by friends and family, but the only embrace He would receive was the kiss of deception from a supposed friend. How He must have realized (or probably already knew, but rather proved) that humans are not 100% reliable because “the flesh is weak,” but the only constant that remains, no matter what, is God. That is why Jesus prayed, prayed hard, and then prayed harder when His anxiety grew. That is why even when His friends abandoned Him, He returned to God and found only His consolation. Humans don’t mean to, but they will often hurt and disappoint.

 

Since my re-version to my Catholic faith and my re-dedication to Jesus Christ, I can admit that I have changed. I have a fire and a light in me (Matt 5:15) that I can’t hide, but I don’t think this change has settled well with people who do not share my passion. And for that reason, I have lost some old and good friends.

 

It is painful to my heart to see my once-friends show up in the “People You May Know” list on Facebook because they silently chose to “Un-Friend” me. It is painful to try and keep in contact with other people and get the strong feeling like they don’t want to talk to you anymore. It is painful to be told that I make someone’s conscience uneasy, and so their only choice is to cut off all ties with me. It’s painful for me to hear vile words and accusations spewed at me for my religious beliefs from someone who once so tenderly called me “friend.” Even among my own Christian brothers and sisters, I have been attacked for “not being Christian” and “unable to be saved” just because I am Catholic.

 

At times, I get a glimpse of what Jesus felt in the Garden.

 

Listen, God, to my prayer;

do not hide from my pleading;

hear me and give answer.

I rock with grief; I groan…

For it is not an enemy that reviled me –

that I could bear –

Not a foe who viewed me with contempt,

from that I could hide.

But it was you, my other self,

my comrade and friend,

You, whose company I enjoyed,

at whose side I walked

in the house of God.

Psalm 55:2-3,13-15

 

LORD, the God of my salvation, I call out by day;

at night I cry aloud in your presence.

Let my prayer come before you;

incline your ear to my cry.

For my soul is filled with troubles;

my life draws near to Sheol…

Because of you my acquaintances shun me;

you make me loathsome to them;

Caged in, I cannot escape;

my eyes grow dim from trouble.

All day I call on you, LORD;

I stretch out my hands to you…

Because of you friend and neighbor shun me;

my only friend is darkness.

Psalm 88:2-4,9-10,19

 
But I have come to understand that my humanity is frail; it is easily hurt by others. We were made for pure happiness which this world cannot offer, so I know I am made for Heaven instead. My only consolation comes from God. So my prayer increases. My love for God increases. Though my heart is heavy, I bring it all to Him, Who will never disappoint me. Who will never abandon me. Who will always love me, especially as I draw closer to His will and farther from the ways of the world.
 
This is why this prayer, from St. Faustina, has become one of my favorites and one I can say with confidence, even if it’s with a heavy heart.

O my Jesus, nothing can lower my ideals, that is, the love which I have for You. Although the path is very thorny, I do not fear to go ahead. Even if a hailstorm of persecutions covers me; even if my friends forsake me; even if all things conspire against me, and the horizon grows dark; even if a raging storm breaks out, and I feel I am quite alone and must brave it all; still, fully at peace, I will trust in Your Mercy, O my God, and my hope will not be disappointed.

To feel the agony of abandonment

I have become a very firm believer that when you pray and meditate, and ask for understanding and knowledge, it will be given to you. When I started praying the Rosary every day, I would ask the Blessed Mother to teach me something about one of the Mysteries that I was to meditate on. Sure enough, every single time I asked Her, I came to know something new. Even when you meditate on the same 20 Mysteries every few days, you can learn something new if you just ask.

Such was my experience with the Divine Mercy chaplet. Jesus said to St. Faustina:

At three o’clock, implore My mercy, especially for sinners; and, if only for a brief moment, immerse yourself in My Passion, particularly in My abandonment at the moment of agony. This is the hour of great mercy. In this hour, I will refuse nothing to the soul that makes a request of Me in virtue of My Passion." (Diary, 1320)

I believe that when we think of Jesus' Passion, we automatically focus on a few key parts: the horrific scourging at the pillar; thorns plunged into His sacred scalp; a bloodied, weak, flesh-exposed body carrying a heavy cross up a hill; large nails being plunged into those Hands and Feet; and of course, after all that, enduring the pull of gravity while nailed to a cross. These events are so brutal that it is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around them, but these are all physical Passions. It's what we think of and relate to most, being physical beings. So then for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why Jesus wanted us to meditate on His Passion, "particularly in [His] abandonment at the moment of agony." Jesus' emphasis on this phase of the Passion must have been particularly important and painful, but I still couldn't shift my focus from the physical pains.

And one day, after a few days of asking for understanding, my answer was given to me. The worst moments of Jesus' Passion must not have been those unfathomable, physical beatings... it must have been the emotional, spiritual, and mental pain. This seems so strange to us in a culture where we do all we can to make ourselves comfortable and pain-free: taking Tylenol at the first sign of a headache, resting after a sports injury, buying ergonomic chairs to sit in at work. We like as little pain and discomfort as possible, which is why we focus so much on the physical pains of His Passion. But I don't think that was His worst experience.

Meditate on His moment of abandonment, as He says, and you will get it too. Put yourself in His shoes: He knows what is ahead. He knows that one of His best friends just turned Him in and sentenced Him to a gruesome death. He is the most afraid and anxiety-filled He has ever been--He was a pure and blissful God who clothed Himself in humanity so He could not only understand our physical pains, but our emotional, spiritual, and mental pains as well. When you're this afraid, don't you just want to surround yourself with loved ones? Don't you just want the full presence of someone else to ease your mind? How sad then He must have felt to repeatedly return to His friends and to find them fast asleep each time.

Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to feel sorrow and distress. Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch with me.” He advanced a little and fell prostrate in prayer, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” When he returned to his disciples he found them asleep. He said to Peter, “So you could not keep watch with me for one hour? Watch and pray that you may not undergo the test. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Withdrawing a second time, he prayed again, “My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!” Then he returned once more and found them asleep, for they could not keep their eyes open. He left them and withdrew again and prayed a third time, saying the same thing again.  Then he returned to his disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? Behold, the hour is at hand when the Son of Man is to be handed over to sinners. Get up, let us go. Look, my betrayer is at hand.” Matthew 26:36-46

At that moment, Jesus was completely abandoned and alone in the world. His beloved parents were not around. His friends couldn't muster enough will power to stay awake with Him through His agony. Every individual soul that He loved personally, who just a week ago exclaimed, "Hosanna to the son of David; blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord; hosanna in the highest!" would soon be shouting, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!," spitting in His face and kicking Him down.

What a dark night in that Garden. Meditate on it. You will open a treasure box of understanding about His role in our salvation, how He is able to relate to our suffering and intercede for us, and most importantly, you will come to a greater understanding of His Divine Mercy. He knows how weak and dependent we are--He knows first-hand.

O my Jesus, nothing can lower my ideals, that is, the love which I have for You. Although the path is very thorny, I do not fear to go ahead. Even if a hailstorm of persecutions covers me; even if my friends forsake me; even if all things conspire against me, and the horizon grows dark; even if a raging storm breaks out, and I feel I am quite alone and must brave it all; still, fully at peace, I will trust in Your Mercy, O my God, and my hope will not be disappointed.

One of my favorite days of the year!

Today is one of my favorite days of the Church year: the Feast of Divine Mercy, or Divine Mercy Sunday.

Quite honestly, last year and all previous years of my life, I was unaware of this day. I never really heard of it (because I wasn't paying attention), I didn't know where it came from, and I didn't know what it was all about.

But last summer, when I was finding myself in re-converting myself wholly to my Catholic faith, I discovered this gem of a feast day. Yes, a gem! My soul feels flooded with love for this day! And it is all because I read a book: The Diary of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska.

St. Faustina was a simple, under-educated young Polish nun in the 1920s and 1930s. In her relatively short life (33 years), she received many appearances and visitations from Jesus Christ Himself. Though she seemed like an unlikely candidate given her limited reading and writing abilities, Jesus ordered her to write about these visitations and to write the words He spoke to her. From her personal revelations, we have learned a great deal about Divine Mercy, we were taught by Christ how to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet and Novena, we have the great image of Divine Mercy, and Divine Mercy Sunday, in which Jesus requested this feast day to be on the Sunday after Easter.

It was difficult at first for me to accept her revelations--like St. Thomas, we like to use our own senses for "proof" instead of just believing someone else's words--but I realized that if we don't believe He can appear to people, then we must discount the writings and experience from St. Paul.

There were two main ideas from Jesus, conveyed by St. Faustina, that stuck with me the most:

“Let the greatest sinners place their trust in My mercy. They have the right before others to trust in the abyss of My mercy. My daughter, write about My mercy towards tormented souls. Souls that make an appeal to My mercy delight Me. To such souls I grant even more graces than they ask. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to My compassion, but on the contrary, I justify him in My unfathomable and inscrutable mercy. Write: before I come as a just judge, I first open wide the door of My mercy. He who refuses to pass through the door of My mercy must pass through the door of My justice…”

“There is no misery that could be a match for My mercy, neither will misery exhaust it, because as it is being granted-it increases. The soul that trusts in My mercy is most fortunate, because I  myself take care of it.”

These two paragraphs are essential to understanding God's mercy. For one, those who sin the most are most entitled to Christ's mercy. So someone who knows that they are a sinner, and they might even call themselves a "big" sinner, they can have full confidence in knowing that Jesus' help, grace, mercy, and love are not just for those who appear to be good all the time. That was His message in the Gospels, too. Jesus didn't come for the righteous, but for sinners. Likewise, when someone tries every moment of every day to avoid sin, when they delight in His Divine Mercy, they know will full trust that they can stand back and invite others in, because those who live in sin or who have great sins on their soul are more entitled to come to Jesus. What a beautiful thing! And it is because He said that there is no sin that is too great for His mercy. There is no combination of great sins that is too much for Him. There is nothing that Christ can't handle and forgive in a contrite heart. Jesus compared His mercy to a vast ocean. One where you can see no borders and no ocean floor. Even the worst sins are but a drop of water in this Ocean of Mercy. That, my friends, is difficult to understand. We humans tend to be very conditional in our forgiveness, and even when we forgive, it is hard for us to forget. But when a miserable and sinful soul runs to those merciful red and white rays from His Merciful Heart, the Heavens rejoice! Jesus has mercy on such a soul, forgiving their sins, seeing them anew, and pours out a flood of graces to help that soul who trusts in Him.

I can truly attest for His great mercy from my own experiences in the last year. When you but peek through the door for Him, He runs to you with open arms and a Heart full of mercy and grace. That grace shines in your soul so that you can understand the gravity of your sins. At that point, you feel the weight of them. You see yourself scourging Him or putting nails in His Hands. You have no choice but to throw yourself at His Feet with a sorrowful heart, seeking mercy and forgiveness. When you receive that forgiveness in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, your life feels changed. You can actually begin to grasp the idea of an Ocean of Mercy. You feel so much inside you: grace, a heart on fire with love, and a deep desire to bring others to the Ocean of Mercy. It's not enough to keep such a treasure to yourself. My love for God has grown because of His mercy and I am a changed person because of it.

I have a particular devotion to St. Faustina because of her diary. I know she prays for every soul that reads it. She prays for souls who approach His mercy either for the first time ever or for the first time in a long time. I know she was praying for me before my first Confession in almost 9 years. St. Faustina is a great saint to turn to for help and prayers, and I know that she can't disappoint.

I pray for so many things today. I pray for all of you to read St. Faustina's Diary. I pray that you trust in Christ's mercy. I pray that you return to His mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I pray for your heart to be on fire for His mercy, and to understand that those people that you see around you every day, doing "bad things," are the ones who are most entitled to come to Jesus. They have the priority and greatest need! I pray for those souls daily, and I pray that you will pray for them too.

Seek His mercy, particularly today on Divine Mercy Sunday. Jesus said, "On that day all the Sources of my Mercy will be open.  I wish that this Feast become a refuge for all souls, but especially for the sinners." 

And now I will leave you with a few more quotes from Jesus Himself that are found in the Diary:

“Tell souls not to place within their own hearts obstacles to My mercy, which so greatly wants to act within them. My mercy works in all those hearts which open their doors to it. Both the sinner and the righteous person have need of My mercy. Conversion, as well as perseverance, is a grace of My mercy.”

“Today the Lord said to me, Daughter, when you go to confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My heart always flows down upon your soul and ennobles it. Every time you go to confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul. When you approach the confessional, know this, that I Myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Tell souls that from this fount of mercy souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls. The proud remain always in poverty and misery, because My grace turns way from them to humble souls.”

"The greatest sinners could become great saints if they trusted in my Mercy. I delight in sanctifying the souls. The greatest sinners have the individual right to my Mercy. It is for Me a joy when they go to my Mercy. I overflow them with my graces above their expectations." 

"The loss of each soul brings me to a mortal sadness. You always console me when you pray for sinners.  The prayer that is most pleasing to Me is the prayer for the conversion of sinners.  You have to know, My daughter Mine, that this prayer is always heard."

 

O, Blood and Water which gushed forth from The Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You.  

 

"Draw a picture according to how you see me, with the invocation: 'Jesus I Trust in You.' I want that image venerated throughout the world... Both rays mean the Blood and the Water. The pale ray symbolizes the Water that it justifies to the souls. The red ray symbolizes the Blood that is the life of the souls... Both rays emerged from the deepest entrails of My mercy when My dying Heart was pierced in the cross by the lance... I promise that the soul that venerates this image will not perish.  I already promise here on Earth victory over the enemies: mainly at the time of death.  I myself will defend them like my Glory.  I offer mankind a container where they can come to the source of Mercy to gather graces.  That container is this image with the inscription 'Jesus I Trust in You' under and not on the image."   

For more quotes from the Diary: click here

For the Divine Mercy Chaplet: click here

For the Divine Mercy Novena: click here