Do you ever pray, wondering if God is even hearing you because it seems like He's not answering? Have you ever tried to read the Bible but you find it so difficult? Maybe it’s on your bucket list to read the Bible cover-to-cover, but when you started through the Old Testament, you just couldn’t let it sink in and you lost interest. I sure have been there.
But now in my very recent hindsight, and in St. Paul’s letter, I get it. I understand why I could not understand. Read (slowly) today’s first reading:
2 Corinthians 3:15-4:1,3-6
Brothers and sisters:
To this day, whenever Moses is read,
a veil lies over the hearts of the children of Israel,
but whenever a person turns to the Lord the veil is removed.
Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom.
All of us, gazing with unveiled face on the glory of the Lord,
are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory,
as from the Lord who is the Spirit.
Therefore, since we have this ministry through the mercy shown us,
we are not discouraged.
And even though our Gospel is veiled,
it is veiled for those who are perishing,
in whose case the god of this age
has blinded the minds of the unbelievers,
so that they may not see the light of the Gospel
of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord,
and ourselves as your slaves for the sake of Jesus.
For God who said, Let light shine out of darkness,
has shone in our hearts to bring to light
the knowledge of the glory of God
on the face of Jesus Christ.
I completely agree that my heart was veiled. I tried to read through the Bible (starting with the Old Testament, which I do not recommend—start with the New Testament!) but got perpetually stuck. It took almost 4 years to read through it because it was confusing and boring and I couldn’t understand why this was Sacred Scripture. But St. Paul spells it out perfectly for me, why I could not “see”:
1. I had not turned to the Lord, and
2. the gods of this age had blinded my mind
No, I had not turned to the Lord. Just because I was casually reading the Bible, doesn’t mean I had turned to God. Just because I went to church sometimes, doesn’t mean I turned to God.
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name?’ Then I will declare to them solemnly, ‘I never knew you. Depart from me, you evildoers.” Matthew 7:21-23
I knew some of the Church's teaching, but many of them I just discounted (“Cafeteria Catholic”), and others I did not even deem important enough to know and understand. I was living for myself, doing what I thought was right, and justifying my sins to the point that I didn’t even know if they were sins anymore.
In not turning to God I had to turn somewhere else: the “gods” of this age. TV, internet, Facebook, smart phones, food, social events, sleeping, making/saving/spending money, shopping, working, you name it. Look at your days and pick out your most frequent habits. Do you check your Facebook very often? Do you feel mega stressed if you don’t have your phone on you? Do you watch TV or go shopping to fill the boredom and the quiet? Whatever you do habitually and devote your time, thought, and effort to, becomes your god; if it is not God Himself then it is probably something to take you away from Him.
These other gods make us selfish. They make us stifle our souls for the sake of the body. They become our veils. They distract us to make us turn away from God. And when these things lead us to sin (which they always do), we separate ourselves even farther from God. It's no wonder my prayer life was dead. How could I have expected to hear back from God when I didn't even know His Word (Jesus, Scripture)?
So then how did I fix it? It seemed daunting. It seemed frustrating. It seemed impossible. My “prayer life” was dry. Reading the Bible got me no where. I hardly felt anything “spiritual.” My own soul? grace?--what were they? But I still kept feeling that something was missing. Every few months, I would get that nagging feeling.
I had to take a leap of faith.
I had to throw myself completely to God. I had to set myself at the mercy of His will.
It was the hardest decision, but the best decision I ever made in my life. I gave up many of my old ways and I had to change many of my habits. I needed to recognize the "gods" in my life and slowly get rid of them and replace them with better things. Sloth and pride were my biggest downfalls--I needed to use my time better and to humble myself. But most difficult of all, my husband and I listened to the Church who said that using contraception was a mortal sin and contrary to God's laws and offensive to Him. So we stopped using it--in the middle of our new marriage. Yeah, that was tough. That took a huge leap of faith. But now our marriage is stronger than we ever could have imagined. Our faith life is alive, and it was truly the final veil that needed to be lifted. (I can't speak highly enough of using Natural Family Planning instead of contraception. I've written about it here and here.) Because I gave up my sinful lifestyles, I, for the first time, knew what grace was. I can't believe I lived so long without feeling grace. Without having a relationship with Jesus. Without following His teachings in order to be set free.
I am not without sin. I will struggle against it every day. But getting rid of the 'big stuff,' letting go of control and giving it over to God--that is what changed my life and set me on the right path. It's not easy. Sometimes it's not fun. But it is so completely worth it, to jump off the cliff of my own idea of control and fall into the loving arms of God.
Jesus then said to those Jews who believed in him, “If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 8:31-32
