To feel the agony of abandonment

I have become a very firm believer that when you pray and meditate, and ask for understanding and knowledge, it will be given to you. When I started praying the Rosary every day, I would ask the Blessed Mother to teach me something about one of the Mysteries that I was to meditate on. Sure enough, every single time I asked Her, I came to know something new. Even when you meditate on the same 20 Mysteries every few days, you can learn something new if you just ask.

Such was my experience with the Divine Mercy chaplet. Jesus said to St. Faustina:

At three o’clock, implore My mercy, especially for sinners; and, if only for a brief moment, immerse yourself in My Passion, particularly in My abandonment at the moment of agony. This is the hour of great mercy. In this hour, I will refuse nothing to the soul that makes a request of Me in virtue of My Passion." (Diary, 1320)

I believe that when we think of Jesus' Passion, we automatically focus on a few key parts: the horrific scourging at the pillar; thorns plunged into His sacred scalp; a bloodied, weak, flesh-exposed body carrying a heavy cross up a hill; large nails being plunged into those Hands and Feet; and of course, after all that, enduring the pull of gravity while nailed to a cross. These events are so brutal that it is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around them, but these are all physical Passions. It's what we think of and relate to most, being physical beings. So then for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why Jesus wanted us to meditate on His Passion, "particularly in [His] abandonment at the moment of agony." Jesus' emphasis on this phase of the Passion must have been particularly important and painful, but I still couldn't shift my focus from the physical pains.

And one day, after a few days of asking for understanding, my answer was given to me. The worst moments of Jesus' Passion must not have been those unfathomable, physical beatings... it must have been the emotional, spiritual, and mental pain. This seems so strange to us in a culture where we do all we can to make ourselves comfortable and pain-free: taking Tylenol at the first sign of a headache, resting after a sports injury, buying ergonomic chairs to sit in at work. We like as little pain and discomfort as possible, which is why we focus so much on the physical pains of His Passion. But I don't think that was His worst experience.

Meditate on His moment of abandonment, as He says, and you will get it too. Put yourself in His shoes: He knows what is ahead. He knows that one of His best friends just turned Him in and sentenced Him to a gruesome death. He is the most afraid and anxiety-filled He has ever been--He was a pure and blissful God who clothed Himself in humanity so He could not only understand our physical pains, but our emotional, spiritual, and mental pains as well. When you're this afraid, don't you just want to surround yourself with loved ones? Don't you just want the full presence of someone else to ease your mind? How sad then He must have felt to repeatedly return to His friends and to find them fast asleep each time.

Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to feel sorrow and distress. Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch with me.” He advanced a little and fell prostrate in prayer, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” When he returned to his disciples he found them asleep. He said to Peter, “So you could not keep watch with me for one hour? Watch and pray that you may not undergo the test. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Withdrawing a second time, he prayed again, “My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!” Then he returned once more and found them asleep, for they could not keep their eyes open. He left them and withdrew again and prayed a third time, saying the same thing again.  Then he returned to his disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? Behold, the hour is at hand when the Son of Man is to be handed over to sinners. Get up, let us go. Look, my betrayer is at hand.” Matthew 26:36-46

At that moment, Jesus was completely abandoned and alone in the world. His beloved parents were not around. His friends couldn't muster enough will power to stay awake with Him through His agony. Every individual soul that He loved personally, who just a week ago exclaimed, "Hosanna to the son of David; blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord; hosanna in the highest!" would soon be shouting, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!," spitting in His face and kicking Him down.

What a dark night in that Garden. Meditate on it. You will open a treasure box of understanding about His role in our salvation, how He is able to relate to our suffering and intercede for us, and most importantly, you will come to a greater understanding of His Divine Mercy. He knows how weak and dependent we are--He knows first-hand.

O my Jesus, nothing can lower my ideals, that is, the love which I have for You. Although the path is very thorny, I do not fear to go ahead. Even if a hailstorm of persecutions covers me; even if my friends forsake me; even if all things conspire against me, and the horizon grows dark; even if a raging storm breaks out, and I feel I am quite alone and must brave it all; still, fully at peace, I will trust in Your Mercy, O my God, and my hope will not be disappointed.