To feel the agony of abandonment: Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about my revelation from the Divine Mercy chaplet about Jesus’ Mercy and Passion, especially at His agony from the moment of abandonment in the Garden.

 

It was a blessing that I came to this understanding when I did, because that set the stage to open my heart to graces in similar times of need. I can read about and meditate on Jesus’ agony in the Garden. I can imagine how alone He felt. How disappointed He was that His beloved friends could not stay awake with Him. How He was far from His loving family. How His humanity just wanted to be comforted and embraced by friends and family, but the only embrace He would receive was the kiss of deception from a supposed friend. How He must have realized (or probably already knew, but rather proved) that humans are not 100% reliable because “the flesh is weak,” but the only constant that remains, no matter what, is God. That is why Jesus prayed, prayed hard, and then prayed harder when His anxiety grew. That is why even when His friends abandoned Him, He returned to God and found only His consolation. Humans don’t mean to, but they will often hurt and disappoint.

 

Since my re-version to my Catholic faith and my re-dedication to Jesus Christ, I can admit that I have changed. I have a fire and a light in me (Matt 5:15) that I can’t hide, but I don’t think this change has settled well with people who do not share my passion. And for that reason, I have lost some old and good friends.

 

It is painful to my heart to see my once-friends show up in the “People You May Know” list on Facebook because they silently chose to “Un-Friend” me. It is painful to try and keep in contact with other people and get the strong feeling like they don’t want to talk to you anymore. It is painful to be told that I make someone’s conscience uneasy, and so their only choice is to cut off all ties with me. It’s painful for me to hear vile words and accusations spewed at me for my religious beliefs from someone who once so tenderly called me “friend.” Even among my own Christian brothers and sisters, I have been attacked for “not being Christian” and “unable to be saved” just because I am Catholic.

 

At times, I get a glimpse of what Jesus felt in the Garden.

 

Listen, God, to my prayer;

do not hide from my pleading;

hear me and give answer.

I rock with grief; I groan…

For it is not an enemy that reviled me –

that I could bear –

Not a foe who viewed me with contempt,

from that I could hide.

But it was you, my other self,

my comrade and friend,

You, whose company I enjoyed,

at whose side I walked

in the house of God.

Psalm 55:2-3,13-15

 

LORD, the God of my salvation, I call out by day;

at night I cry aloud in your presence.

Let my prayer come before you;

incline your ear to my cry.

For my soul is filled with troubles;

my life draws near to Sheol…

Because of you my acquaintances shun me;

you make me loathsome to them;

Caged in, I cannot escape;

my eyes grow dim from trouble.

All day I call on you, LORD;

I stretch out my hands to you…

Because of you friend and neighbor shun me;

my only friend is darkness.

Psalm 88:2-4,9-10,19

 
But I have come to understand that my humanity is frail; it is easily hurt by others. We were made for pure happiness which this world cannot offer, so I know I am made for Heaven instead. My only consolation comes from God. So my prayer increases. My love for God increases. Though my heart is heavy, I bring it all to Him, Who will never disappoint me. Who will never abandon me. Who will always love me, especially as I draw closer to His will and farther from the ways of the world.
 
This is why this prayer, from St. Faustina, has become one of my favorites and one I can say with confidence, even if it’s with a heavy heart.

O my Jesus, nothing can lower my ideals, that is, the love which I have for You. Although the path is very thorny, I do not fear to go ahead. Even if a hailstorm of persecutions covers me; even if my friends forsake me; even if all things conspire against me, and the horizon grows dark; even if a raging storm breaks out, and I feel I am quite alone and must brave it all; still, fully at peace, I will trust in Your Mercy, O my God, and my hope will not be disappointed.