A.C.T.S.

It's easy to fall into a prayer rut. I know it happened to me a few months ago. I got out of my prayer routine and then ever since then, it's been hard to get back into it. To compound the problem, I found myself with significantly less quiet time with my new little bundle of joy. Recently, I have only managed to "make time" to pray before I fall asleep. I know that my time is limited, so I say my prayer intentions quickly before falling asleep. But I wasn't "getting" anything out of praying like this. I certainly don't feel closer to God or like I was using my time wisely. While listening to Relevant Radio last week, a priest was talking about prayer and he said something that resounded so loudly with me, it about knocked me over!

To paraphrase, basically what I have been doing was being a lousy friend and child of God. I was treating God more like an ATM rather than my Lord. I found prayer somewhat boring and was left wondering, "How on earth do people spend hours in prayer every day?" But I wasn't "praying right" by solely coming to God with my petitions and then leaving it at that. Thankfully, this priest gave an acronym that will stick with me about "how" to pray, and in what order:

A - Adoration

C - Contrition

T - Thanksgiving

S - Supplication

 

See where I was going wrong? I was starting from the bottom and then stopping! I had no words of praise for my Creator! No sorrow in my heart for my day's failings! Rarely did I even give Him a "thank you." I'm humbled to say that I was selfish and lousy, but so grateful for some guidance.

 

Another priest later that day (the Lord must have been trying to reach out to me...) reminded me of the obvious, well-known fact that I was born with two ears and one mouth. That's how I need to pray, as well, to listen twice as much as I speak. This may not work for me as I'm falling asleep, but I certainly keep this in mind throughout the day.

 

I have been using the A.C.T.S. method for a few days now and I'm ashamed that I never tried this sooner! Spending time simply adoring my Lord--well, I can't explain how good that feels and how I'm growing in love. Then, examining my conscience at the end of the day has made me more sensitive to sin. I feel more determined to correct my ways rather than continue on day after day, numbing myself to the pains I'm inflicting on His Sacred Heart. Then, really, even the secular world realizes the importance of having a grateful heart. Finally, if I'm still awake, I can come to the Lord with my prayer requests. If I don't even make it to that point, I am at peace knowing that my Guardian Angel can finish my prayers and that the Holy Spirit knows the concerns and requests of my soul.

I didn't grow up with a strong prayer life, so I feel like I'm still working on building a solid foundation of prayer. I still feel like a "newbie," but learning about A.C.T.S. has helped me. I needed some help, but I'm learning to love prayer. I hope someone else can find this helpful and learn to love it too.

Amazing what?

Grace.

I'll be honest. For most of my life, I had no idea what grace was. I don't even really remember talking about it growing up. Maybe I remember a little from high school. But I definitely couldn't have told you what it was. I know that this sounds all-too-familiar for cradle Catholics who grew up not really knowing or authentically practicing their faith. It's no wonder why I thought I didn't need to confess my sins, or pray, or feel the need for the Sacraments, especially the Eucharist. "For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, inhuman, implacable, slanderers, profligates, fierce, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding the form of religion but denying the power of it." (2 Timothy 3:2-5)

That segment of the verse describes my upbringing! Yep, I went to Mass sometimes, made the Sign of the Cross, did the sit/stand/kneel and went through the motions, had a cross in my bedroom, prayed when things got tough, but in almost everything I did, I just held onto the form of Catholicism, but denied the power of it. That power, being grace. 

Sometimes the grace got through all the walls I built up. I can only imagine how many times in my life I said something like, "I have no idea how I made it through that," or "I didn't think I could do it." I'm not talking about rather superficial things like finishing an exam or fixing something, but times of suffering and enduring. Times where I was so sad I thought I could drown in my sorrows; grace got me through. The times where it seemed like every door was closing on me and my life was crumbling in; grace got me through. The times I was frozen in fear; grace got me through. No matter how many times I tried to shut God out of my life, He still loves me more than I can fathom and as a loving Father, He still reaches out to me in any ways that He can.

But for much of my life, I lived without sanctifying or saving grace offered by Christ through His Bride, the Church. Thanks be to God, He gave me more time in my life to turn things around and return to a state of grace. I did, though, cut myself off of this saving grace through my sins. My own choices. I refused the graces, or help, that God was offering me to overcome my temptations, and I fell. Have you ever known someone with bad habits or lifestyles and you wished they would change? Have you ever pleaded with someone to not light that cigarette, or not have another drink? How upset and disappointed were you when they smoked again or drank again? The wounds that we inflict upon His Sacred Heart by our sins are nothing compared to the disappointment we feel in our loved ones.This is like God's offer of sanctifying grace to us, followed by our rejection of it, on a small scale.  Because He has the greatest capacity to love, He also has the greatest capacity to be hurt when we reject His saving help.

Once I began to have a knowledge and awareness of grace, the more I saw it in my life. It's literally everywhere. Constant. Like the air around me... all I have to do is breathe. But I need extra help to heed Jesus' call to "be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect" (Matt 5:48). My heart swells with gratitude for the Church and her Sacraments, which are visible signs of invisible graces. The most important and life-altering thing I did in my "re-version" was to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. By confessing my sins in the confessional, I acknowledged all the times that I sinned, refused God's grace, and damaged my relationship with Him and His Body, the Church. I confessed bad habits and unholy tendencies I had, and through the Sacrament, received the graces to overcome most of them--to this I can attest! The confessional was like a gate to the greatest source of graces: the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of our Lord, Himself! Being in a state of grace, I could receive the Eucharist worthily. Remember what St. Paul says:

For I received from the Lord what I also handed on to you, that the Lord Jesus, on the night he was handed over, took bread, and, after he had given thanks, broke it and said, “This is my body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way also the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the death of the Lord until he comes.

Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily will have to answer for the body and blood of the Lord. A person should examine himself, and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many among you are ill and infirm, and a considerable number are dying. (1 Corinthians 11:23-30)

The graces from the Eucharist are transforming my life all the time because I try hard to be open to them. Jesus told St. Faustina, "When I come to a human heart in Holy Communion, My hands are full of all kinds of graces which I want to give to the soul. But souls do not even pay attention to Me; they leave Me to Myself and busy themselves with other things. ... They treat Me as a dead object" (Diary of St. Faustina, 1385).

Reading that passage during my "re-version" process really made me stop and think, "What is grace?" and, "Is the Eucharist even important in my life?" My journey really took off from those questions, and now He is changing my life from the answers I sought. I pray for other cradle Catholics with similar experiences as mine, who can say, "I don't know what grace is," or, "I don't make it to Mass every week," which means, "I don't know what the Eucharist is." The Church offers every bit of help that we could possibly need to know, love, and serve Him and become the perfected lovers that we are called to be! Turn to her! I will be praying for you. Please pray for me too.

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A child in his mother's arms

A quick update. My posts have been so spotty and infrequent in the last several months. I announced a while ago that I was having a baby... and I did! Sweet little Fulton, named after Venerable Fulton Sheen. I'm loving my new vocation as wife, mother, and homemaker. I keep very busy, but along with having a new baby, we had another life change. My husband and I moved to Wisconsin a couple months before Fulton was born. I know without a doubt that God's hand was all over this, so I am excited to know for what purpose we had to move from Montana to Wisconsin!

Now, back to the reason why I'm writing.

God is teaching me so much through my vocation as mother and wife.

Our vocations in life, assigned by God, are our paths to holiness. Whether we are called to married, single, or religious life, each brings us to a path of holiness when we rely on God's grace that is given to us to fulfill the vocation. Already, my son is teaching me so much about my faith and relationship to God. 

 "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..." Isaiah 66:13

"Rather, I have stilled my soul, like a weaned child to its mother, weaned is my soul." Psalm 131:2

I see these verses in a new, illumined light, thanks to my baby. Through all the moods and ups and downs that my son has, I know he is most relaxed, happy, and at peace when he is resting in my arms.. when he can just lay his head on my shoulder and melt into my embrace. Of course, being a baby, he's not always so calm. Sometimes he screams. He cries. He squirms. He seems to fight my embrace and all the love and comfort I long to give him. I know he knows that he feels so much better when he is just calm and will let me hold him, but sometimes he fights it.

Often, this is how I treat God.

I can think back to some times in my life where I just let go and fell into His arms. When I put all my worries aside and fell, peacefully and with total trust, into His embrace. I know this is how I should be all the time, with such complete trust in Our Lord that nothing can trouble me. But way too often I find myself being the fussy baby. I'm kicking and screaming because I want things my way or I want something that I can't get. I turn into that squirmy, screaming baby when I feel anxiety in my heart. When I'm relying too much on myself and refusing His grace. When I have fears and I let them consume me. I know it's easier just to give it to God and let Him love me. Why, then, do I fight it?

I never really understood this until I became a mother. But now I am more aware of the state of my soul and the trust I have (or have not) placed in God. When I feel frantic, like God is far from me and things are out of control.. when I'm looking around wondering why God won't hear my pleas to calm me down, now I'm able to think of my son. I'm able to take a step back and look at myself. Is God really trying to hold me and love me, but I'm squirming and crying too much to notice? How do I get to the point of pure, blissful inner peace, like this?

I'm thankful for the many hours I have spent just holding my baby as he sleeps. Not only has it given me precious time with my boy, but I have had long hours of prayer and meditation with Our Lord, just resting in His arms, feeling the love He longs to give me.

A baby is coming

After nine full months of pregnancy, my baby is due to arrive any day now. Throughout this journey, I have reflected often on the end of my pregnancy. You know, the scary, painful part of labor and delivery.

For my entire life, I have never liked taking pain medication. God willing, I will have this baby completely naturally, which I know will entail probably the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. On the surface, this terrifies me. I've been known to complain for days about a paper cut or a sore from biting my tongue. I've never considered myself to have a high pain tolerance. This puts more fear in me when I think about pushing this little (but not so little!) baby out of my body.

But that fear is eased, and even goes away completely, when I think about Christ and His passion. I see such distinct similarities and parallels between my impending labor and delivery and His passion and crucifixion.

For His whole life, Christ knew that His time would come. He knew he would be put through the most agonizing pain in His life. He knew how much He would suffer. I'm sure, as with any human mind, those thoughts bubbled up from time to time with a sense of anxiety. So, too, have I known my whole life that this day would come for me. That I, too, will be put through the most agonizing pain in my life. That I will suffer. And with every doctor's appointment, baby kick, new baby item, and glance in a mirror, these thoughts have bubbled up in my head, often, with a sense of anxiety. This great suffering is coming. It is God's will. I chose it, I accept it, but it's still scary.

Christ's precious body was completely broken apart. There was blood. There was stress on His joints and muscles. There were rips and cuts. He fell and must have thought that He could not possibly go on and carry that cross. His earthly body would never be the same. So too will my body be broken. There will be blood, stress, fatigue, and cuts. My body won't ever be the same. I will feel so exhausted and beat up that I will think I can't go on. I'm already thankful right now for my Simons of Cyrene--my husband, the nurses, and my doctor--who will help me carry my cross to the end goal.

Why did Christ even endure all this? Why did He willingly go through such agony and suffering? To give all of us life. Through His suffering, death, and resurrection, we can have eternal life beyond this earth. He loved us so much that the beatings were worth it. The cross was worth it. The thorns and nails were worth it. My labor and delivery is worth it to give life to my child. The scars and new look and feel of my body will be worth it to give someone else life. My love is so strong for this baby that it is all worth it.

So yes, I have been scared and anxious for the last nine months thinking about this upcoming day. But Christ gives meaning to suffering. Not only has He shown me how great it is to suffer in order to give life to others, but I can unite my suffering with His. My only peace and consolation comes from Jesus, and I look forward to my passion as a time of grace.

Please say a prayer for me, my husband, our baby, and all of the doctors and nurses who will help us. I can't wait to meet our baby!

All You Saints

"Calling the saints to mind inspires, or rather arouses in us, above all else, a longing to enjoy their company, so desirable in itself. We long to share in the citizenship of heaven, to dwell with the spirits of the blessed, to join the assembly of patriarchs, the ranks of the prophets, the council of apostles, the great host of martyrs, the noble company of confessors and the choir of virgins. In short, we long to be united in happiness with all the saints." –From a sermon by St. Bernard, abbot

Today, on this Solemnity of All Saints, I’m truly reminded of what I am called to be. How I’m supposed to live. How to overcome trials in my life. And how, in all that I do, I should give glory to God.
 
I’m reminded on this day that the Body of Christ is one huge family that transcends all race, age, and time. I’m as much a sister of people living now, as I am all of the saints who have served Christ for the last 2000 years.
 
I’m reminded of who the true “litmus test” is for my life. We can get into so much trouble, falling helplessly into sin, and worse—not even considering it a sin—when we begin to compare our lives/behavior/morality on those around us. It’s so easy to say, “Well at least I’m not as bad as that guy,” or “Everyone else does it, they’re fine, and they’re still good people.” But when we compare ourselves only to sinners, we just blend in and get lost. The Saints (both the known Saints and those unknown saints) remind us to compare ourselves only to Jesus. How much worse we look when standing in His light! The brighter the light is in a room, the more dirt, dust, and imperfections you can see.
 
But I’ve always found it very hard and, at times, intangible to try and make my life measure up to Jesus. I fall so short; my sins seem so great; it seems impossible. But that is precisely why I am so thankful that the Church has always taught great devotion to the Saints. These were people just like you and me, but they were able to overcome themselves and devote their lives to God. They had the same struggles, doubts, and insecurities that we do. These are the great role models that we can learn from and model our lives after. As St. Paul says, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).
 
We are confident that these individuals are in the Heavenly realm of glory, seeing God face-to-face. These Saints are not dead just because they have passed from this world, for Jesus said that, “He is not a God of the dead, but of the living.” These Saints are more alive than we are! So one huge objection from non-Catholics regarding Saints is, “Why do you pray to dead people?” But if one believes that these people are truly dead, then they don’t believe in the Resurrection.
 
So yes, pray to these Saints! Ask them for prayers and help. It is absolutely no different asking a Saint to pray for you than it is to ask a friend, family member, or pastor. We are all united in the Spirit, so the Saints hear our prayers. Praying to Saints takes nothing away from our devotion and worship to Christ, Who is the only Mediator to God the Father. They are our friends and family and they want to help us, as much as we want their help. With their lives purified and their love of God complete in Heaven, why would we think that their “job” is done? Why would we think that once we’ve gotten to Heaven, that we forget about everyone below us? To me, that doesn’t sound like Heaven. Eye has not seen the most unfathomable peace, joy, and glory of Heaven, and if/when we get there someday, wouldn’t we in our perfected states, want everyone to join us? Wouldn’t we want to do everything we can to bring our other brothers and sisters to Eternal Joy? The Saints devoted their lives to God and His will, and His will is that none should perish. Their work is not done until the end of the world, so when someone offers their hand to help, it is a grace to accept that help.
 
"They will be happy to pray for you, for like us they have been feeble, they have been tempted, they have been miserable. But they had recourse to God. God pardoned their offenses and today they sing His mercies." —St. Theodora Guerin
 
“I shall spend my Heaven in doing good upon earth.” – St. Therese of Lisieux
 
So today I am reminded of all those extended, helpful hands from the Saints. I am reminded that even normal humans can do God’s will on earth, despite our sinfulness. I am reminded of the full extent of the Body of Christ, from age to age.
 
It’s a great honor to be called a “saint.” Strive for it.
 
Our Blessed Mother, pray for us!
St. Joseph, pray for us!
St. Helena, pray for us!
St. Brigid, pray for us!
St. Boniface, pray for us!
St. Maria Goretti, pray for us!
St. Gerard, pray for us!
St. Faustina, pray for us!
Venerable Fulton Sheen, pray for us!
Blessed John Paul II, pray for us!

It's been a while...

I realize that I have neglected this blog for quite a few months now. Primarily, I have been away because… well… I am pregnant!!! Yep, we have a little one on the way! I’m overjoyed and in awe and simply can’t believe this is happening. I’m feeling great now in my second trimester and can’t wait until the end of February!

 

But although a miracle was taking place inside me, in my first trimester, I was nauseous, sluggish, and sleepy. Basically, I spent most of my free time in bed or on the couch instead of doing much else. Not only did this keep me away from my blog writing, but it also sent me into a spiritual funk.

 

Confession time.

 

Suddenly, instead of nourishing my soul with extra prayer time, Bible reading, and other spiritual reading, I spent more time catering to my on whims of wanting to sleep and complaining that no single food sounded good enough to eat. I had a 3-month opportunity for sacrifice and much “suffering” to offer up for the good of others, but instead, I failed, and fell back into my selfish, sloth ways. After a while, I really felt like I was letting God down, and I even became ashamed because of it. Funny how Satan will do anything to keep you from our Lord. I felt ashamed for letting God down that it made me want to hide from Him even more. I felt like Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden fruit, and I hid.

 

It took a lot of spiritual strength to get myself into a confessional booth to find some grace to help me. (“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” Hebrews 4:16). I had to go twice, but it worked. I wasn’t so overflowed with grace that I felt like I could fly or anything, but I found enough grace simply to pray for help (“Lord, teach us to pray” Luke 11:1). And I kept praying and praying. Opportunities came up for more prayer and sacrifice and I accepted them more than I was doing in previous months. I’m still healing from my spiritual funk, but I also believe that God wants me to use this blog to continue healing. I got the message pretty loud and clear recently when we heard the second reading from 2 Timothy. (Ahem, check out the URL!) The exact verse ("For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7) that drove me to start this blog in the first place was read to me over the loud speakers, echoing through the church, and written on the page in my lap. Not only that, but the following day, I attended my first Bible study and guess what we covered? Yep, the same second reading from 2 Timothy. (God: “Helloooo? How many times do I have to remind you about your blog?”)

 

So now, I’m putting my tennis shoes back on and warming up for a long jog. I’m awakening spiritual muscles that have been idle and deteriorated over the last few months.

 

 

In short, I’m back.

Missed opportunities

You’ve heard the saying that “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Well, for a long time, I was part of the problem. And in my weak human nature, at times, I am still part of the problem, although I work harder to be part of the solution these days.

 

The solution: to bring people closer to God, to show His love and mercy, to show people true faith and how a life can be happily transformed by this faith, and to help people to get to Heaven.

The problem: either purposefully or by omission, doing the opposite. Pulling people away from God, showing people that He can’t really be trusted with my life so I must keep Him at a distance, and overall, not helping anyone get to Heaven (which means I’m doing the opposite.. giving them the easy paths to Hell.)

 

I think of all the times that I was part of the problem on purpose. The times I told friends that contraception was totally okay and even aided one in obtaining it. The times I told people that pre-marital sex is okay “as long as you’re going to marry that person eventually.” The times I told people it was okay not to go to Confession because God will just forgive me with a simple, “I’m sorry,” in my mind. The times that I said or suggested that living with a boyfriend or girlfriend was okay. The times that I said that the Church was wrong on some of her teachings—on contraception, gay “marriage,” purgatory, or the necessity of Confession. The times I said that I don't need to go to Mass every Sunday to be a good Catholic or a good person. The times I gossiped. The times I said, “I’m Catholic, but…” The times I harbored anger for others and refused to forgive them. I could go on and on…

 

I think of all the times that I was part of the problem just by omission! The times that I didn’t speak up for the Truth. The times I didn’t speak up for true, authentic Church teaching. The times that I neglected to help someone in need. By my lukewarm, “cafeteria Catholic,” God-is-awesome-but-I’ll-keep-doing-what-I-want lifestyle that showed people a horrible example that surely led them away from God and straight towards the gates of Hell.

 

My passion and zeal come from the fact that I came to know God’s will and I changed my life because of it. Perhaps most importantly for the average person, my changed life did not get worse—it got so much better than I thought possible. My life is full of love and peace and faith that I thought was reserved for little old nuns or the pope.

 

But I have a long way to go. I have many wrongs to right as I make a daily vow never to commit those same mistakes again. I will continue to fight against the evils of contraception, which is so obviously tied to pre-marital sex, couples living together before they’re married or even engaged, abortion, infidelity, risky sexual behavior, divorce, and the fact that Americans no longer know what true marriage is. I will continue to show my love for Christ’s Bride, His Catholic Church. The one true Church and the fullness of the Christian faith. I will continue to spread the truth about Divine Mercy.

 

If my voice or my life ever become silent again, I will fall back to being part of the problem. I can’t let that happen. I care too much about souls and their salvation to ever lead them away from the straight and narrow path to Heaven. I lament the missed opportunities I had to be part of the solution, but God has graciously given me more time and I will not waste those opportunities anymore.