A Mom's Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being Mother of the Year,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being told my kids are the best …
From the desire of having the best behaved children …

From the desire of having perfect, quiet children every week at Mass …
From the desire of having the perfect house…
From the desire of being the best cook …

From the desire of having a Pinterest-worthy life …

From the desire of wanting a full night's sleep, every night …

From the desire of being asked for Mom advice …

From the desire of hearing, “I don’t know how you do it all!” …

From the desire of wanting too much time to myself …

From the desire of wanting my pre-baby body back …

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being left out …

From the fear of being forgotten …

From the fear of being replaced …

From the fear of messing up my kids …

From the fear of my kids messing up …

From the fear of raising spoiled children …
From the fear of forgetting to train my children properly …
From the fear of my children leaving me …
From the fear of my children rejecting me …

From the fear of my children loving Daddy more than me …
From the fear that I am not enough …

From the fear of hearing, “I wish she was my Mom” …

From the fear of doing things the wrong way …
From the fear of falling behind …

 

That other Mothers may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be more crafty than I …
That, in the opinion of the world, others’ insights and advice may increase and mine may decrease …
That others’ recipes may be chosen and mine set aside …

That others may be more organized than I ...

That others may look more put together than I …

That others may have a more fit body than I …
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything …
That others may be more efficient than I, provided that I may become as efficient as I should ...

Amen

 

On this St. Patrick's Day

Top o' the morning to ya!

It's St. Patrick's Day again! For me, a day of great thanks and celebration. A day to celebrate some history. And also a day that tests my patience.

My ancestral roots are mostly a mixed bag of German, Swiss, Prussian, Irish, and probably other roots that I don't know of. But of these, I take great pride in my German and Irish roots. I (thankfully) have a family history book from my Mom's side, where my ancestors were roughly 50/50 split Irish and German. But my favorite information in that book is under one special category, "religious affiliation," all of whom are listed as "Catholic."

Praise God that my ancestors were and are still part of the Body of Christ. Praise God that down to my generation and now my son's, this Catholic lineage is unbroken for at least a few hundred years (as far back as my genealogy is currently traced). I assume (and probably correctly so) that all of my Irish ancestors were Catholic, and to that, I credit and give thanks to the man who brought Catholicism to pagan Ireland in the 5th century: St. Patrick.

Good St. Patrick was not even Irish himself, but born in Scotland and actually sold into slavery to Ireland as a teen. In those years in captivity, he grew in love for God. He escaped captivity after 6 years, but Ireland would continue to tug at his heartstrings. Around 433, at the command of Pope St. Celestine I, the priest St. Patrick and companions landed in Ireland to evangelize the people. Though many obstacles faced him, he nevertheless came out successful after more than 40 years, converting almost the entire country. He was granted final rest on March 17, 493, wrapped in the shroud that was hand-woven by St. Brigid (my Confirmation namesake).

He was deeply devoted to bringing and keeping the Truth in Ireland. I was taken aback by this paragraph from his biographical write-up on the New Advent site:

It is recorded that when St. Patrick and St. Brigid were united in their last prayer, a special vision was shown to him. He saw the whole of Ireland lit up with the brightest rays of Divine Faith. This continued for centuries, and then clouds gathered around the devoted island, and, little by little, the religious glory faded away, until, in the course of centuries, it was only in the remotest valleys that some glimmer of its light remained. St. Patrick prayed that the light would never be extinguished, and, as he prayed, the angel came to him and said: "Fear not: your apostolate shall never cease." As he thus prayed, the glimmering light grew in brightness, and ceased not until once more all the hills and valleys of Ireland were lit up in their pristine splendour, and then the angel announced to St. Patrick: "Such shall be the abiding splendour of Divine truth in Ireland."

So you see, St. Patrick holds a special place in my Irish-Catholic heart. I'm just so thankful for the graces God gave to him. For the plan that God had for him and Ireland. And for his "yes" to God. My patience is tested especially on this day when people "celebrate" St. Patrick's Day with no nod to the Saint or the God he served. Yes, it bothers me when people use a Catholic feast day as an excuse to commit the mortal sin of purposely getting drunk. Then again, the whole calendar year is full of Catholic-feast-days-turned-sinful-and-misunderstood-celebrations, like the rampant fornication on St. Valentine's Day, more Easter bunnies than celebrations of Christ's resurrection, and the secular war to rid all things religious from Christmas, just to name a few.

But anyways, celebrate today! But don't celebrate how much green alcohol you can drink, but rather, celebrate the Catholic bishop that brought Christ to the hearts of a whole nation, and countless subsequent generations for the last 1500 years. Remember that we are just in the heart of Lent, a time of fasting and self-denial, but go ahead, give thanks, and eat some Irish food, crack open a good beer, and tip your hat to good St. Patrick. Ask for his intercession. Imitate him by loving what he loves: God. Recite and meditate on his prayer (below) and truly honor his feast day, not with drunkenness, but with a heart more open to Christ.

St. Patrick, thank you! Please pray for us!

This prayer of St. Patrick is known as "St. Patrick's Breast Plate". Read and meditate on it. If nothing else, just read what is highlighted in bold near the end and think about those words on this day.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

Tis the Season

I think that people think I'm nuts. People are wondering what is wrong with me. The culture may call me a Scrooge.  Others may think I've lost my Christmas spirit.

Advent wreath and St. Lucy bread

I don't have lights on my house to be seen from space. I haven't done any Christmas baking yet (although I've celebrated the feast days of St. Barbara, St. Lucy, St. Nicholas, Our Lady of Guadalupe, and the Immaculate Conception). I haven't fallen over backwards to shop on Black Friday, Cyber Monday, or Super Saturday. I haven't played Christmas music 24/7 for the last 4+ weeks. I have only started watching Christmas movies just days before Christmas.

Yep, to everyone else, it may look like I've lost my Christmas spirit.

But au contraire! My Christmas spirit has been growing and growing and this year, I feel fuller than ever!

Jesse Tree

For starters, it's not even Christmas yet (it's currently December 22)! I have been celebrating Advent, meaning, "coming." Yes, Christmas--Jesus--is coming, not, here. We have faithfully lit our Advent candles at dinner every night for the last four weeks while singing, "O Come O Come Emmanuel"--come, Lord Jesus, come! The ornaments are going up on our Jesse Tree and our Nativity scenes are missing one Key Player.

No, I haven't "done" Christmas yet because Advent is the season to prepare. We clean our homes and adorn them with decorations for the season. But a better preparation has been cleaning my soul and making myself a more beautiful dwelling place for the Lord. I haven't "done" Christmas yet because the Baby, the reason for the season, isn't here yet. We don't celebrate our own birthdays a month in advance and then hardly acknowledge the actual day. Why do it to Jesus?

"Doing" Christmas before Christmas Day, when our focus is not on Jesus, is only a distraction. We keep so busy with the hustle and bustle of gifts, wrapping paper, food, cooking, baking, ugly sweaters, decorating, parties, movies, music, and trying to cram it all in a few weeks--how dizzying! With such "noise" and busy-ness, our minds are too busy. The hours in our days are too full. Our focus is on all the wrong stuff. I can't think of a more effective way to forget about Jesus, ironically, in the season when we are supposed to celebrate Him. Too busy to pray. Too much to do, can't sit in quiet prayer with the Lord. Too many places to go, can't make it to Confession or even Mass.

When we're so caught up in "celebrating" Christmas before Christmas Day, we're left with an empty feeling. I know this is WAY too common in homes across America: it's the afternoon of Christmas Day, and suddenly, Christmas is "over." The presents have been opened, which marks the end of the day and season. With all the build-up of the last few weeks, Christmas Day is always anticlimactic. This makes no sense! Christmas isn't OVER on the 25th, it has only just begun! Christmas, the birth of our Lord, the humbling of God to become man--a little Baby--, the Eternal Word entering our fallen world in order to save us, this great event of human history is such a great event that we celebrate Christmas "Day" for eight days! That climax of the season should be celebrated for eight days of the Octave of Christmas! And all this within the Christmas Season, which goes all the way through the middle of January to the Baptism of the Lord!

Our culture "loves" Christmas to death to the point that, just when the holiday gets started, everyone else is over it. Done. And THAT is what happens when Christmas isn't properly prepared for during the season of Advent.

So yeah, people may think I'm nuts. People may think I've lost my Christmas spirit. But this year I'm properly ordering the celebrations. I'm preparing my soul more than all that other "stuff." I still think that the "stuff" is important, but only when properly ordered. And in "holding off" on all that "stuff" during Advent and waiting until Christmas, I'm actually able to enjoy and appreciate it even more.

Merry Christmas!

Don't spread it thin

I'm almost halfway through a month-long discipline right now. By the grace of God, I'm doing better than I thought I would. I thought I would feel tortured every day, but by exercising my spiritual muscles, I'm feeling stronger than my passions and stronger than the temptations that assault me.

It's the middle of November and I've been putting off all things Christmas until the first Sunday of Advent, at least.

Maybe to some people that still sounds early. To others, maybe they're wondering what's the big deal, or why am I waiting so long? But to me, it's a big deal.

You see, I'm a Christmas junkie. I love all things Christmas. Christmas baking, Christmas decorations, Christmas traditions, Christmas lights, Christmas movies, and oh my, don't get me started on how much I love Christmas music. When I was a child, Christmas was like the light at the end of the tunnel. I anxiously waited for that magical time of year. The anticipation was almost too much to handle as summer came to an end, school started, the air got chilly, fall came, and then the first snowflakes started to fly. But I'm so thankful now, that my mom made me wait for all those things that I loved. I certainly wanted to have a Christmas tree to look at over Thanksgiving dinner and I wanted total access to our Christmas music and movies, but thank you God, she did not give in. She made me wait.

Unfortunately, when I went away to college and I was under my own discipline, I started dipping my toes into all things Christmas during the month of November. I thought it was great! I listened to Christmas music for almost two straight months! I got Christmas lights up before Thanksgiving break! I was indulging in gingerbread cookies and peppermint mochas! I thought I was multiplying my Christmas joy!

But I forgot one key thing: earthly joy, the happiness that can come from the things of this world, is finite. It has its limits. It can't last forever. And as I learned year after year of loving Christmas earlier and earlier, I didn't feel that deep anticipation and catharsis of Christmas joy like I thought I would. Instead of riding a Christmas high for twice as long each year, I just divided it in half. I spread the joy thin--so thin, that Christmas morning seemed anticlimactic. Worse yet, I gave in completely to the secular view of Christmas and conceded that Christmas was "over" after Christmas morning, rather than just beginning and lasting for the next 8 days as we believe in the Catholic faith.

I literally loved Christmas to death. By giving in to my whims, enslaved by my "desires and pleasures" (Titus 3:3), bowing down to my spur-of-the-moment desires for "Christmas things" in October and November, I was taking away from the joys of the real holiday season. I was losing sight of the true meaning of Christmas, which is Christ Himself, Who alone can give infinite joy, rather than the finite joy from the world. And by bowing down to the world and my passions, I was ashamed in the presence of God.

This year, I said enough is enough. I'm reverting back to the lessons I learned as a child. Wait. Be patient. Love the anticipation rather than giving in. Christmas is taking on a new meaning again this year, that I seemed to have lost a few years back. In addition, I have a baby who will celebrate his first Christmas this year. I want to teach him the patience and discipline that my mom taught me. I want Christmas to be magical to him, too, and I don't think that can happen if I am giving in to my desires, showing him that he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

It's November 18th and I have 12 more days until I can bust out my Christmas things. I can't wait!

St. Columban

Have you ever heard of St. Columban? I hadn't either before I pulled out my big book of Saints and opened to a random page. I'm glad I did. Not only did I learn about a Saint I've never heard of before, but I found an excerpt from some of his writing that really spoke to me. I hope you are just as moved. Read it slowly, and then learn more about St. Columban.

Don't consider what you are, but what you will be. What you are only lasts a moment, what you will be is eternal. Don't indulge yourself in laziness, but rather acquire in a short time what you will possess forever. Overcome your dislike for exertion in the present by thinking of the reward to come.

If the world lures you, remember that your pursuit of it is vain. What does it profit you to gaze at a shadow reflected in the water? How do you benefit from joy and happiness tasted in a dream? All dreams, no matter how long they last, are short-lived. And life's joys are like dreams in a dark night.

Awake, therefore, out of the night and seek the light so that you may see and be seen. Your life is a wheel that is ever turning and never waits for you. You must keep up with it. You have nothing on earth. And you will die as naked as you were when you were born. You have only the prospect of heaven, your inheritance, provided  you do not forfeit it.

But if you have lost it already, sell yourself to regain it. What do I mean by "sell yourself"? Sell your vices and buy life. Do you want to know what those vices are? Above all, sell pride, the root-vice, and buy humility. Then you will be like Christ who says, "Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart" (Matthew 11:29). 

A.C.T.S.

It's easy to fall into a prayer rut. I know it happened to me a few months ago. I got out of my prayer routine and then ever since then, it's been hard to get back into it. To compound the problem, I found myself with significantly less quiet time with my new little bundle of joy. Recently, I have only managed to "make time" to pray before I fall asleep. I know that my time is limited, so I say my prayer intentions quickly before falling asleep. But I wasn't "getting" anything out of praying like this. I certainly don't feel closer to God or like I was using my time wisely. While listening to Relevant Radio last week, a priest was talking about prayer and he said something that resounded so loudly with me, it about knocked me over!

To paraphrase, basically what I have been doing was being a lousy friend and child of God. I was treating God more like an ATM rather than my Lord. I found prayer somewhat boring and was left wondering, "How on earth do people spend hours in prayer every day?" But I wasn't "praying right" by solely coming to God with my petitions and then leaving it at that. Thankfully, this priest gave an acronym that will stick with me about "how" to pray, and in what order:

A - Adoration

C - Contrition

T - Thanksgiving

S - Supplication

 

See where I was going wrong? I was starting from the bottom and then stopping! I had no words of praise for my Creator! No sorrow in my heart for my day's failings! Rarely did I even give Him a "thank you." I'm humbled to say that I was selfish and lousy, but so grateful for some guidance.

 

Another priest later that day (the Lord must have been trying to reach out to me...) reminded me of the obvious, well-known fact that I was born with two ears and one mouth. That's how I need to pray, as well, to listen twice as much as I speak. This may not work for me as I'm falling asleep, but I certainly keep this in mind throughout the day.

 

I have been using the A.C.T.S. method for a few days now and I'm ashamed that I never tried this sooner! Spending time simply adoring my Lord--well, I can't explain how good that feels and how I'm growing in love. Then, examining my conscience at the end of the day has made me more sensitive to sin. I feel more determined to correct my ways rather than continue on day after day, numbing myself to the pains I'm inflicting on His Sacred Heart. Then, really, even the secular world realizes the importance of having a grateful heart. Finally, if I'm still awake, I can come to the Lord with my prayer requests. If I don't even make it to that point, I am at peace knowing that my Guardian Angel can finish my prayers and that the Holy Spirit knows the concerns and requests of my soul.

I didn't grow up with a strong prayer life, so I feel like I'm still working on building a solid foundation of prayer. I still feel like a "newbie," but learning about A.C.T.S. has helped me. I needed some help, but I'm learning to love prayer. I hope someone else can find this helpful and learn to love it too.

Amazing what?

Grace.

I'll be honest. For most of my life, I had no idea what grace was. I don't even really remember talking about it growing up. Maybe I remember a little from high school. But I definitely couldn't have told you what it was. I know that this sounds all-too-familiar for cradle Catholics who grew up not really knowing or authentically practicing their faith. It's no wonder why I thought I didn't need to confess my sins, or pray, or feel the need for the Sacraments, especially the Eucharist. "For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, inhuman, implacable, slanderers, profligates, fierce, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding the form of religion but denying the power of it." (2 Timothy 3:2-5)

That segment of the verse describes my upbringing! Yep, I went to Mass sometimes, made the Sign of the Cross, did the sit/stand/kneel and went through the motions, had a cross in my bedroom, prayed when things got tough, but in almost everything I did, I just held onto the form of Catholicism, but denied the power of it. That power, being grace. 

Sometimes the grace got through all the walls I built up. I can only imagine how many times in my life I said something like, "I have no idea how I made it through that," or "I didn't think I could do it." I'm not talking about rather superficial things like finishing an exam or fixing something, but times of suffering and enduring. Times where I was so sad I thought I could drown in my sorrows; grace got me through. The times where it seemed like every door was closing on me and my life was crumbling in; grace got me through. The times I was frozen in fear; grace got me through. No matter how many times I tried to shut God out of my life, He still loves me more than I can fathom and as a loving Father, He still reaches out to me in any ways that He can.

But for much of my life, I lived without sanctifying or saving grace offered by Christ through His Bride, the Church. Thanks be to God, He gave me more time in my life to turn things around and return to a state of grace. I did, though, cut myself off of this saving grace through my sins. My own choices. I refused the graces, or help, that God was offering me to overcome my temptations, and I fell. Have you ever known someone with bad habits or lifestyles and you wished they would change? Have you ever pleaded with someone to not light that cigarette, or not have another drink? How upset and disappointed were you when they smoked again or drank again? The wounds that we inflict upon His Sacred Heart by our sins are nothing compared to the disappointment we feel in our loved ones.This is like God's offer of sanctifying grace to us, followed by our rejection of it, on a small scale.  Because He has the greatest capacity to love, He also has the greatest capacity to be hurt when we reject His saving help.

Once I began to have a knowledge and awareness of grace, the more I saw it in my life. It's literally everywhere. Constant. Like the air around me... all I have to do is breathe. But I need extra help to heed Jesus' call to "be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect" (Matt 5:48). My heart swells with gratitude for the Church and her Sacraments, which are visible signs of invisible graces. The most important and life-altering thing I did in my "re-version" was to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. By confessing my sins in the confessional, I acknowledged all the times that I sinned, refused God's grace, and damaged my relationship with Him and His Body, the Church. I confessed bad habits and unholy tendencies I had, and through the Sacrament, received the graces to overcome most of them--to this I can attest! The confessional was like a gate to the greatest source of graces: the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of our Lord, Himself! Being in a state of grace, I could receive the Eucharist worthily. Remember what St. Paul says:

For I received from the Lord what I also handed on to you, that the Lord Jesus, on the night he was handed over, took bread, and, after he had given thanks, broke it and said, “This is my body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way also the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the death of the Lord until he comes.

Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily will have to answer for the body and blood of the Lord. A person should examine himself, and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many among you are ill and infirm, and a considerable number are dying. (1 Corinthians 11:23-30)

The graces from the Eucharist are transforming my life all the time because I try hard to be open to them. Jesus told St. Faustina, "When I come to a human heart in Holy Communion, My hands are full of all kinds of graces which I want to give to the soul. But souls do not even pay attention to Me; they leave Me to Myself and busy themselves with other things. ... They treat Me as a dead object" (Diary of St. Faustina, 1385).

Reading that passage during my "re-version" process really made me stop and think, "What is grace?" and, "Is the Eucharist even important in my life?" My journey really took off from those questions, and now He is changing my life from the answers I sought. I pray for other cradle Catholics with similar experiences as mine, who can say, "I don't know what grace is," or, "I don't make it to Mass every week," which means, "I don't know what the Eucharist is." The Church offers every bit of help that we could possibly need to know, love, and serve Him and become the perfected lovers that we are called to be! Turn to her! I will be praying for you. Please pray for me too.

.

A child in his mother's arms

A quick update. My posts have been so spotty and infrequent in the last several months. I announced a while ago that I was having a baby... and I did! Sweet little Fulton, named after Venerable Fulton Sheen. I'm loving my new vocation as wife, mother, and homemaker. I keep very busy, but along with having a new baby, we had another life change. My husband and I moved to Wisconsin a couple months before Fulton was born. I know without a doubt that God's hand was all over this, so I am excited to know for what purpose we had to move from Montana to Wisconsin!

Now, back to the reason why I'm writing.

God is teaching me so much through my vocation as mother and wife.

Our vocations in life, assigned by God, are our paths to holiness. Whether we are called to married, single, or religious life, each brings us to a path of holiness when we rely on God's grace that is given to us to fulfill the vocation. Already, my son is teaching me so much about my faith and relationship to God. 

 "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..." Isaiah 66:13

"Rather, I have stilled my soul, like a weaned child to its mother, weaned is my soul." Psalm 131:2

I see these verses in a new, illumined light, thanks to my baby. Through all the moods and ups and downs that my son has, I know he is most relaxed, happy, and at peace when he is resting in my arms.. when he can just lay his head on my shoulder and melt into my embrace. Of course, being a baby, he's not always so calm. Sometimes he screams. He cries. He squirms. He seems to fight my embrace and all the love and comfort I long to give him. I know he knows that he feels so much better when he is just calm and will let me hold him, but sometimes he fights it.

Often, this is how I treat God.

I can think back to some times in my life where I just let go and fell into His arms. When I put all my worries aside and fell, peacefully and with total trust, into His embrace. I know this is how I should be all the time, with such complete trust in Our Lord that nothing can trouble me. But way too often I find myself being the fussy baby. I'm kicking and screaming because I want things my way or I want something that I can't get. I turn into that squirmy, screaming baby when I feel anxiety in my heart. When I'm relying too much on myself and refusing His grace. When I have fears and I let them consume me. I know it's easier just to give it to God and let Him love me. Why, then, do I fight it?

I never really understood this until I became a mother. But now I am more aware of the state of my soul and the trust I have (or have not) placed in God. When I feel frantic, like God is far from me and things are out of control.. when I'm looking around wondering why God won't hear my pleas to calm me down, now I'm able to think of my son. I'm able to take a step back and look at myself. Is God really trying to hold me and love me, but I'm squirming and crying too much to notice? How do I get to the point of pure, blissful inner peace, like this?

I'm thankful for the many hours I have spent just holding my baby as he sleeps. Not only has it given me precious time with my boy, but I have had long hours of prayer and meditation with Our Lord, just resting in His arms, feeling the love He longs to give me.

A baby is coming

After nine full months of pregnancy, my baby is due to arrive any day now. Throughout this journey, I have reflected often on the end of my pregnancy. You know, the scary, painful part of labor and delivery.

For my entire life, I have never liked taking pain medication. God willing, I will have this baby completely naturally, which I know will entail probably the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. On the surface, this terrifies me. I've been known to complain for days about a paper cut or a sore from biting my tongue. I've never considered myself to have a high pain tolerance. This puts more fear in me when I think about pushing this little (but not so little!) baby out of my body.

But that fear is eased, and even goes away completely, when I think about Christ and His passion. I see such distinct similarities and parallels between my impending labor and delivery and His passion and crucifixion.

For His whole life, Christ knew that His time would come. He knew he would be put through the most agonizing pain in His life. He knew how much He would suffer. I'm sure, as with any human mind, those thoughts bubbled up from time to time with a sense of anxiety. So, too, have I known my whole life that this day would come for me. That I, too, will be put through the most agonizing pain in my life. That I will suffer. And with every doctor's appointment, baby kick, new baby item, and glance in a mirror, these thoughts have bubbled up in my head, often, with a sense of anxiety. This great suffering is coming. It is God's will. I chose it, I accept it, but it's still scary.

Christ's precious body was completely broken apart. There was blood. There was stress on His joints and muscles. There were rips and cuts. He fell and must have thought that He could not possibly go on and carry that cross. His earthly body would never be the same. So too will my body be broken. There will be blood, stress, fatigue, and cuts. My body won't ever be the same. I will feel so exhausted and beat up that I will think I can't go on. I'm already thankful right now for my Simons of Cyrene--my husband, the nurses, and my doctor--who will help me carry my cross to the end goal.

Why did Christ even endure all this? Why did He willingly go through such agony and suffering? To give all of us life. Through His suffering, death, and resurrection, we can have eternal life beyond this earth. He loved us so much that the beatings were worth it. The cross was worth it. The thorns and nails were worth it. My labor and delivery is worth it to give life to my child. The scars and new look and feel of my body will be worth it to give someone else life. My love is so strong for this baby that it is all worth it.

So yes, I have been scared and anxious for the last nine months thinking about this upcoming day. But Christ gives meaning to suffering. Not only has He shown me how great it is to suffer in order to give life to others, but I can unite my suffering with His. My only peace and consolation comes from Jesus, and I look forward to my passion as a time of grace.

Please say a prayer for me, my husband, our baby, and all of the doctors and nurses who will help us. I can't wait to meet our baby!

All You Saints

"Calling the saints to mind inspires, or rather arouses in us, above all else, a longing to enjoy their company, so desirable in itself. We long to share in the citizenship of heaven, to dwell with the spirits of the blessed, to join the assembly of patriarchs, the ranks of the prophets, the council of apostles, the great host of martyrs, the noble company of confessors and the choir of virgins. In short, we long to be united in happiness with all the saints." –From a sermon by St. Bernard, abbot

Today, on this Solemnity of All Saints, I’m truly reminded of what I am called to be. How I’m supposed to live. How to overcome trials in my life. And how, in all that I do, I should give glory to God.
 
I’m reminded on this day that the Body of Christ is one huge family that transcends all race, age, and time. I’m as much a sister of people living now, as I am all of the saints who have served Christ for the last 2000 years.
 
I’m reminded of who the true “litmus test” is for my life. We can get into so much trouble, falling helplessly into sin, and worse—not even considering it a sin—when we begin to compare our lives/behavior/morality on those around us. It’s so easy to say, “Well at least I’m not as bad as that guy,” or “Everyone else does it, they’re fine, and they’re still good people.” But when we compare ourselves only to sinners, we just blend in and get lost. The Saints (both the known Saints and those unknown saints) remind us to compare ourselves only to Jesus. How much worse we look when standing in His light! The brighter the light is in a room, the more dirt, dust, and imperfections you can see.
 
But I’ve always found it very hard and, at times, intangible to try and make my life measure up to Jesus. I fall so short; my sins seem so great; it seems impossible. But that is precisely why I am so thankful that the Church has always taught great devotion to the Saints. These were people just like you and me, but they were able to overcome themselves and devote their lives to God. They had the same struggles, doubts, and insecurities that we do. These are the great role models that we can learn from and model our lives after. As St. Paul says, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).
 
We are confident that these individuals are in the Heavenly realm of glory, seeing God face-to-face. These Saints are not dead just because they have passed from this world, for Jesus said that, “He is not a God of the dead, but of the living.” These Saints are more alive than we are! So one huge objection from non-Catholics regarding Saints is, “Why do you pray to dead people?” But if one believes that these people are truly dead, then they don’t believe in the Resurrection.
 
So yes, pray to these Saints! Ask them for prayers and help. It is absolutely no different asking a Saint to pray for you than it is to ask a friend, family member, or pastor. We are all united in the Spirit, so the Saints hear our prayers. Praying to Saints takes nothing away from our devotion and worship to Christ, Who is the only Mediator to God the Father. They are our friends and family and they want to help us, as much as we want their help. With their lives purified and their love of God complete in Heaven, why would we think that their “job” is done? Why would we think that once we’ve gotten to Heaven, that we forget about everyone below us? To me, that doesn’t sound like Heaven. Eye has not seen the most unfathomable peace, joy, and glory of Heaven, and if/when we get there someday, wouldn’t we in our perfected states, want everyone to join us? Wouldn’t we want to do everything we can to bring our other brothers and sisters to Eternal Joy? The Saints devoted their lives to God and His will, and His will is that none should perish. Their work is not done until the end of the world, so when someone offers their hand to help, it is a grace to accept that help.
 
"They will be happy to pray for you, for like us they have been feeble, they have been tempted, they have been miserable. But they had recourse to God. God pardoned their offenses and today they sing His mercies." —St. Theodora Guerin
 
“I shall spend my Heaven in doing good upon earth.” – St. Therese of Lisieux
 
So today I am reminded of all those extended, helpful hands from the Saints. I am reminded that even normal humans can do God’s will on earth, despite our sinfulness. I am reminded of the full extent of the Body of Christ, from age to age.
 
It’s a great honor to be called a “saint.” Strive for it.
 
Our Blessed Mother, pray for us!
St. Joseph, pray for us!
St. Helena, pray for us!
St. Brigid, pray for us!
St. Boniface, pray for us!
St. Maria Goretti, pray for us!
St. Gerard, pray for us!
St. Faustina, pray for us!
Venerable Fulton Sheen, pray for us!
Blessed John Paul II, pray for us!

It's been a while...

I realize that I have neglected this blog for quite a few months now. Primarily, I have been away because… well… I am pregnant!!! Yep, we have a little one on the way! I’m overjoyed and in awe and simply can’t believe this is happening. I’m feeling great now in my second trimester and can’t wait until the end of February!

 

But although a miracle was taking place inside me, in my first trimester, I was nauseous, sluggish, and sleepy. Basically, I spent most of my free time in bed or on the couch instead of doing much else. Not only did this keep me away from my blog writing, but it also sent me into a spiritual funk.

 

Confession time.

 

Suddenly, instead of nourishing my soul with extra prayer time, Bible reading, and other spiritual reading, I spent more time catering to my on whims of wanting to sleep and complaining that no single food sounded good enough to eat. I had a 3-month opportunity for sacrifice and much “suffering” to offer up for the good of others, but instead, I failed, and fell back into my selfish, sloth ways. After a while, I really felt like I was letting God down, and I even became ashamed because of it. Funny how Satan will do anything to keep you from our Lord. I felt ashamed for letting God down that it made me want to hide from Him even more. I felt like Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden fruit, and I hid.

 

It took a lot of spiritual strength to get myself into a confessional booth to find some grace to help me. (“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” Hebrews 4:16). I had to go twice, but it worked. I wasn’t so overflowed with grace that I felt like I could fly or anything, but I found enough grace simply to pray for help (“Lord, teach us to pray” Luke 11:1). And I kept praying and praying. Opportunities came up for more prayer and sacrifice and I accepted them more than I was doing in previous months. I’m still healing from my spiritual funk, but I also believe that God wants me to use this blog to continue healing. I got the message pretty loud and clear recently when we heard the second reading from 2 Timothy. (Ahem, check out the URL!) The exact verse ("For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7) that drove me to start this blog in the first place was read to me over the loud speakers, echoing through the church, and written on the page in my lap. Not only that, but the following day, I attended my first Bible study and guess what we covered? Yep, the same second reading from 2 Timothy. (God: “Helloooo? How many times do I have to remind you about your blog?”)

 

So now, I’m putting my tennis shoes back on and warming up for a long jog. I’m awakening spiritual muscles that have been idle and deteriorated over the last few months.

 

 

In short, I’m back.

Missed opportunities

You’ve heard the saying that “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Well, for a long time, I was part of the problem. And in my weak human nature, at times, I am still part of the problem, although I work harder to be part of the solution these days.

 

The solution: to bring people closer to God, to show His love and mercy, to show people true faith and how a life can be happily transformed by this faith, and to help people to get to Heaven.

The problem: either purposefully or by omission, doing the opposite. Pulling people away from God, showing people that He can’t really be trusted with my life so I must keep Him at a distance, and overall, not helping anyone get to Heaven (which means I’m doing the opposite.. giving them the easy paths to Hell.)

 

I think of all the times that I was part of the problem on purpose. The times I told friends that contraception was totally okay and even aided one in obtaining it. The times I told people that pre-marital sex is okay “as long as you’re going to marry that person eventually.” The times I told people it was okay not to go to Confession because God will just forgive me with a simple, “I’m sorry,” in my mind. The times that I said or suggested that living with a boyfriend or girlfriend was okay. The times that I said that the Church was wrong on some of her teachings—on contraception, gay “marriage,” purgatory, or the necessity of Confession. The times I said that I don't need to go to Mass every Sunday to be a good Catholic or a good person. The times I gossiped. The times I said, “I’m Catholic, but…” The times I harbored anger for others and refused to forgive them. I could go on and on…

 

I think of all the times that I was part of the problem just by omission! The times that I didn’t speak up for the Truth. The times I didn’t speak up for true, authentic Church teaching. The times that I neglected to help someone in need. By my lukewarm, “cafeteria Catholic,” God-is-awesome-but-I’ll-keep-doing-what-I-want lifestyle that showed people a horrible example that surely led them away from God and straight towards the gates of Hell.

 

My passion and zeal come from the fact that I came to know God’s will and I changed my life because of it. Perhaps most importantly for the average person, my changed life did not get worse—it got so much better than I thought possible. My life is full of love and peace and faith that I thought was reserved for little old nuns or the pope.

 

But I have a long way to go. I have many wrongs to right as I make a daily vow never to commit those same mistakes again. I will continue to fight against the evils of contraception, which is so obviously tied to pre-marital sex, couples living together before they’re married or even engaged, abortion, infidelity, risky sexual behavior, divorce, and the fact that Americans no longer know what true marriage is. I will continue to show my love for Christ’s Bride, His Catholic Church. The one true Church and the fullness of the Christian faith. I will continue to spread the truth about Divine Mercy.

 

If my voice or my life ever become silent again, I will fall back to being part of the problem. I can’t let that happen. I care too much about souls and their salvation to ever lead them away from the straight and narrow path to Heaven. I lament the missed opportunities I had to be part of the solution, but God has graciously given me more time and I will not waste those opportunities anymore.

Friday Guidance from the Saints - VI

"He who does not give up on prayer cannot possibly continue to offend God habitually. Either he will give up prayer, or he will stop sinning."

-St. Alphonsus Liguiori

1696-1787
Doctor of the Church - father of moral theology
Patron saint of: moralists, confessors, vocations, and people suffering from arthritis
Feast Day: August 1

Friday Guidance from the Saints - V

 
 
 

"Be courageous, do not be cast down. Trust in God and hope that He will grant you every grace. Do not rely on yourself, but rather on the Lord, and if you imagine that all is calm, then be assured that the enemy is quite near. Do not put too much confidence in peace, for in the midst of rest war may break out."

 

- St. Gerard Majella

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1726-1755

Patron saint of: expectant mothers, motherhood, the falsely accused, good confessions

Feast Day: October 16

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St. Gerard Majella, pray for us!

Friday Guidance from the Saints - IV

"Ignorance of Scripture

is ignorance of Christ."

-St. Jerome

c. 340 - 420 A.D.
Doctor of the Church - father of Biblical science
Patron saint of: librarians
Feast Day: September 30

Through the darkness shines the Light

Christ is eternal. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. At those times in life where we committed especially our worst sins, we kicked Him out of our life. But later, after seeking His forgiveness and reconciliation, He went back to those times in our life. He lovingly took us by the hand and removed us from those situations as He wiped away our sins in the confessional. He is eternal.

 

So then, for Him and for us, the past 24 hours must have seemed like the Passion all over again.

 

Last night, Christ was with us in the agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, when the faithful begged God to help us. To change the future. To let peace reign. To let our religious freedoms be defended. To let marriage be defended. To let innocent unborn babies be defended. We were with Christ last night in the Garden; He was with us, begging to the Father to let these evils pass from us, but in the end, to accept whatever cup He gives us.

 

Last night, the mobs gathered to scream bloody hell with demonic passion. To those late-term babies in Texas, those ugly mobs yelled, “CRUCIFY THEM! CRUCIFY THEM!” Them, being the most innocent and helpless among us. Jesus was the most innocent among us when the Jews cried out for His death. The mobs screamed and hollered for the shedding of innocent blood.

 

Today, Mr. Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and 5 Supreme Court Justices took turns scourging Jesus at the pillar. Jesus is no friend of Caesar’s (the government’s); He is a voice that must be silenced. Nancy Pelosi denied the body of Christ, and by publicly scourging Him, denied her place in the Body of Christ. Five Justices denounced the God-given Truth about marriage. Each had a heavy hand today in ripping apart His Body.

 

But American citizens are not innocent either. Those who supported that Texas filibuster were there at the scourging, spitting in His face. They caused His tears to fall—not the pain from the whips—but the pain of being mocked and hated by those that He loves. They slapped Him, kicked Him, and knocked Him down. Every American (especially Catholics, who know better) who is celebrating the redefinition of marriage abused Him all the way up to Calvary. They, too, spit in His face, saying, "We don't need you!" They pushed Him over as He carried the weight of the world in that Cross. They mocked Him as He hung by the nails through His flesh, dying a criminal’s death.

 

My God, how can You endure it?

 

Just because Jesus’ Passion is eternal, and became very pronounced today, we can’t stop reading before we get to the end of the story! The bloodied cross is followed by the empty tomb! Jesus conquers sin and death right when the world seems darkest!

 

“I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world.” John 16:33

 

Indeed He has. And He is working right now. There is light shining in the darkness (John 1:5) for those who open their eyes. “But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.” Romans 5:20

 

“Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope.” 1 Peter 3:15

 

My hope is in Jesus’ Resurrection. He conquered sin. He conquered death. As dark as things look sometimes, I have no reason to despair, ever. My hope is eternal because Jesus is eternal.

 

Jesus, have mercy on us! I trust in you!

 

 

Is being a cradle Catholic a bad thing?

Lately I've been hearing that being a "cradle Catholic" is bad. That it is somehow a derogatory phrase, or something to be ashamed of, or even that cradle Catholics cannot be saved.

It breaks my heart that this idea is out there because it couldn't be further from the truth. I am proud and blessed to say that I am a cradle Catholic. Yes, I was baptized as an infant--2 months old--and every day I realize more and more how special that is. I'm so thankful that I have been a child of God for all but 2 months of my life.

From our common beginning, our experience as cradle Catholics tends to diverge from there. Some are raised in extremely devout families, some never get to learn about their Catholic faith because their parents fell away, or if you're like me, you're somewhere in-between. By no means was I raised in a very devout house. Sure, I went to Catholic schools, we had Bibles and crucifixes at home, and we went to Mass some Sundays, but it although I learned parts of my faith, I never put those lessons into practice. I rarely prayed. I never went to Confession by my own free will. I never read Scripture on my own.



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This kind of nominal Catholicism is all too common in America, and it's probably why "cradle Catholic" has become somewhat taboo. But being born and raised Catholic is not in itself harmful. It becomes harmful when you do not foster your faith. When you don't seek to learn and put it into practice. When you become complacent in your faith. When you settle for mediocrity and only live your faith within four special walls for one hour for one day a week, then you do give "cradle Catholic" a bad name. That's what puts our souls in danger. I know because that's how I lived for most of my life! And now I look back at all the opportunities I squandered to share how much I love my faith, how the Catholic Church is the fullness of the Christian faith, and how I have a true relationship with a real person: Jesus Christ.

We are saved by our faith. Our true and genuine faith. When that faith is true, then we produce good works, because "faith without works is dead" (James 2:17). These good works become the litmus test for the love that we have for God and for each other (Matthew 22:36-40) and He will know us by our fruits (Matthew 7:17-20).

The best priests, bishops, popes, and church leaders can't make an ounce of difference if their words fall on deaf ears. We all need to take responsibility for our faith, to learn it, nurture it, grow it. Remove the weeds from our life that prevent it from growing (Matthew 13:1-9), water the seeds that we were given as infants at baptism, and let the Word grow within us! Only then can we change the world: it starts with me.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child;

when I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

1 Corinthians 12:20

 

For a long time I settled for the faith I received as a child. It was still so simple and "nice" and rather shallow--it had no real teeth or roots. As adults or when coming into adulthood, why do we settle for the faith we were given as a child? When we get to college, we don't settle for the science lessons we learned in middle school: we seek to know more! When we've learned how to write a full sentence in grade school, we don't stop there. We learn how to write paragraphs and essays and research papers! As we get older, the answers we were given as children about life are no longer enough. We want to know the how's and why's. So why, then, do we settle for the knowledge that we learned as children about our faith? Why is it enough to learn about Jesus and His Church at an elementary level and carry it with us through adulthood? We can't stop learning and growing spiritually. It is a great disservice to ourselves, to our neighbors, and to God.

 

But don't become discouraged. Don't lose faith. Don't be ashamed to be a cradle Catholic--embrace it! Start with prayer. Ask God to soften your heart and change your desires. Ask for eyes to see the weeds that choke your original baptismal grace, and the strength to get rid of those weeds. It will get easy from there. You'll discover a zeal and a hunger to learn. You'll have more room inside yourself for Jesus and you'll truly begin to encounter Him. Only then will your life be transformed and your faith will grow into what you know it should be. Pray, and know that I'm praying for you.

 

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Friday Guidance from the Saints - III

"If people would do for God what they do for the world, my dear people, what a great number of Christians would go to Heaven! But if you dear children, had to pass three or four hours praying in a Church, as you pass them at a dance or in a cabaret, how heavily the world would press upon you."

- St John Vianney

St. John Vianney, patron saint of: parish priests, confessors

Feast Day: August 4

Friday Guidance from the Saints - II

"The Lord manifests Himself to those who stop for some time in peace and humility of heart. If you look in murky and turbulent waters, you cannot see the reflection of your face. If you want to see the face of Christ, stop and collect your thoughts in silence, and close the door of your soul to the noise of external things."

 ~St. Anthony of Padua

St. Anthony of Padua, patron saint of: Faith in the Blessed Sacrament; amputees; sailors; elderly people; seekers of lost articles; animals, especially horses; American Indians; expectant mothers; barren women

St. Anthony, pray for us!