Tis the Season

I think that people think I'm nuts. People are wondering what is wrong with me. The culture may call me a Scrooge.  Others may think I've lost my Christmas spirit.

Advent wreath and St. Lucy bread

I don't have lights on my house to be seen from space. I haven't done any Christmas baking yet (although I've celebrated the feast days of St. Barbara, St. Lucy, St. Nicholas, Our Lady of Guadalupe, and the Immaculate Conception). I haven't fallen over backwards to shop on Black Friday, Cyber Monday, or Super Saturday. I haven't played Christmas music 24/7 for the last 4+ weeks. I have only started watching Christmas movies just days before Christmas.

Yep, to everyone else, it may look like I've lost my Christmas spirit.

But au contraire! My Christmas spirit has been growing and growing and this year, I feel fuller than ever!

Jesse Tree

For starters, it's not even Christmas yet (it's currently December 22)! I have been celebrating Advent, meaning, "coming." Yes, Christmas--Jesus--is coming, not, here. We have faithfully lit our Advent candles at dinner every night for the last four weeks while singing, "O Come O Come Emmanuel"--come, Lord Jesus, come! The ornaments are going up on our Jesse Tree and our Nativity scenes are missing one Key Player.

No, I haven't "done" Christmas yet because Advent is the season to prepare. We clean our homes and adorn them with decorations for the season. But a better preparation has been cleaning my soul and making myself a more beautiful dwelling place for the Lord. I haven't "done" Christmas yet because the Baby, the reason for the season, isn't here yet. We don't celebrate our own birthdays a month in advance and then hardly acknowledge the actual day. Why do it to Jesus?

"Doing" Christmas before Christmas Day, when our focus is not on Jesus, is only a distraction. We keep so busy with the hustle and bustle of gifts, wrapping paper, food, cooking, baking, ugly sweaters, decorating, parties, movies, music, and trying to cram it all in a few weeks--how dizzying! With such "noise" and busy-ness, our minds are too busy. The hours in our days are too full. Our focus is on all the wrong stuff. I can't think of a more effective way to forget about Jesus, ironically, in the season when we are supposed to celebrate Him. Too busy to pray. Too much to do, can't sit in quiet prayer with the Lord. Too many places to go, can't make it to Confession or even Mass.

When we're so caught up in "celebrating" Christmas before Christmas Day, we're left with an empty feeling. I know this is WAY too common in homes across America: it's the afternoon of Christmas Day, and suddenly, Christmas is "over." The presents have been opened, which marks the end of the day and season. With all the build-up of the last few weeks, Christmas Day is always anticlimactic. This makes no sense! Christmas isn't OVER on the 25th, it has only just begun! Christmas, the birth of our Lord, the humbling of God to become man--a little Baby--, the Eternal Word entering our fallen world in order to save us, this great event of human history is such a great event that we celebrate Christmas "Day" for eight days! That climax of the season should be celebrated for eight days of the Octave of Christmas! And all this within the Christmas Season, which goes all the way through the middle of January to the Baptism of the Lord!

Our culture "loves" Christmas to death to the point that, just when the holiday gets started, everyone else is over it. Done. And THAT is what happens when Christmas isn't properly prepared for during the season of Advent.

So yeah, people may think I'm nuts. People may think I've lost my Christmas spirit. But this year I'm properly ordering the celebrations. I'm preparing my soul more than all that other "stuff." I still think that the "stuff" is important, but only when properly ordered. And in "holding off" on all that "stuff" during Advent and waiting until Christmas, I'm actually able to enjoy and appreciate it even more.

Merry Christmas!

Don't spread it thin

I'm almost halfway through a month-long discipline right now. By the grace of God, I'm doing better than I thought I would. I thought I would feel tortured every day, but by exercising my spiritual muscles, I'm feeling stronger than my passions and stronger than the temptations that assault me.

It's the middle of November and I've been putting off all things Christmas until the first Sunday of Advent, at least.

Maybe to some people that still sounds early. To others, maybe they're wondering what's the big deal, or why am I waiting so long? But to me, it's a big deal.

You see, I'm a Christmas junkie. I love all things Christmas. Christmas baking, Christmas decorations, Christmas traditions, Christmas lights, Christmas movies, and oh my, don't get me started on how much I love Christmas music. When I was a child, Christmas was like the light at the end of the tunnel. I anxiously waited for that magical time of year. The anticipation was almost too much to handle as summer came to an end, school started, the air got chilly, fall came, and then the first snowflakes started to fly. But I'm so thankful now, that my mom made me wait for all those things that I loved. I certainly wanted to have a Christmas tree to look at over Thanksgiving dinner and I wanted total access to our Christmas music and movies, but thank you God, she did not give in. She made me wait.

Unfortunately, when I went away to college and I was under my own discipline, I started dipping my toes into all things Christmas during the month of November. I thought it was great! I listened to Christmas music for almost two straight months! I got Christmas lights up before Thanksgiving break! I was indulging in gingerbread cookies and peppermint mochas! I thought I was multiplying my Christmas joy!

But I forgot one key thing: earthly joy, the happiness that can come from the things of this world, is finite. It has its limits. It can't last forever. And as I learned year after year of loving Christmas earlier and earlier, I didn't feel that deep anticipation and catharsis of Christmas joy like I thought I would. Instead of riding a Christmas high for twice as long each year, I just divided it in half. I spread the joy thin--so thin, that Christmas morning seemed anticlimactic. Worse yet, I gave in completely to the secular view of Christmas and conceded that Christmas was "over" after Christmas morning, rather than just beginning and lasting for the next 8 days as we believe in the Catholic faith.

I literally loved Christmas to death. By giving in to my whims, enslaved by my "desires and pleasures" (Titus 3:3), bowing down to my spur-of-the-moment desires for "Christmas things" in October and November, I was taking away from the joys of the real holiday season. I was losing sight of the true meaning of Christmas, which is Christ Himself, Who alone can give infinite joy, rather than the finite joy from the world. And by bowing down to the world and my passions, I was ashamed in the presence of God.

This year, I said enough is enough. I'm reverting back to the lessons I learned as a child. Wait. Be patient. Love the anticipation rather than giving in. Christmas is taking on a new meaning again this year, that I seemed to have lost a few years back. In addition, I have a baby who will celebrate his first Christmas this year. I want to teach him the patience and discipline that my mom taught me. I want Christmas to be magical to him, too, and I don't think that can happen if I am giving in to my desires, showing him that he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

It's November 18th and I have 12 more days until I can bust out my Christmas things. I can't wait!

St. Columban

Have you ever heard of St. Columban? I hadn't either before I pulled out my big book of Saints and opened to a random page. I'm glad I did. Not only did I learn about a Saint I've never heard of before, but I found an excerpt from some of his writing that really spoke to me. I hope you are just as moved. Read it slowly, and then learn more about St. Columban.

Don't consider what you are, but what you will be. What you are only lasts a moment, what you will be is eternal. Don't indulge yourself in laziness, but rather acquire in a short time what you will possess forever. Overcome your dislike for exertion in the present by thinking of the reward to come.

If the world lures you, remember that your pursuit of it is vain. What does it profit you to gaze at a shadow reflected in the water? How do you benefit from joy and happiness tasted in a dream? All dreams, no matter how long they last, are short-lived. And life's joys are like dreams in a dark night.

Awake, therefore, out of the night and seek the light so that you may see and be seen. Your life is a wheel that is ever turning and never waits for you. You must keep up with it. You have nothing on earth. And you will die as naked as you were when you were born. You have only the prospect of heaven, your inheritance, provided  you do not forfeit it.

But if you have lost it already, sell yourself to regain it. What do I mean by "sell yourself"? Sell your vices and buy life. Do you want to know what those vices are? Above all, sell pride, the root-vice, and buy humility. Then you will be like Christ who says, "Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart" (Matthew 11:29). 

A.C.T.S.

It's easy to fall into a prayer rut. I know it happened to me a few months ago. I got out of my prayer routine and then ever since then, it's been hard to get back into it. To compound the problem, I found myself with significantly less quiet time with my new little bundle of joy. Recently, I have only managed to "make time" to pray before I fall asleep. I know that my time is limited, so I say my prayer intentions quickly before falling asleep. But I wasn't "getting" anything out of praying like this. I certainly don't feel closer to God or like I was using my time wisely. While listening to Relevant Radio last week, a priest was talking about prayer and he said something that resounded so loudly with me, it about knocked me over!

To paraphrase, basically what I have been doing was being a lousy friend and child of God. I was treating God more like an ATM rather than my Lord. I found prayer somewhat boring and was left wondering, "How on earth do people spend hours in prayer every day?" But I wasn't "praying right" by solely coming to God with my petitions and then leaving it at that. Thankfully, this priest gave an acronym that will stick with me about "how" to pray, and in what order:

A - Adoration

C - Contrition

T - Thanksgiving

S - Supplication

 

See where I was going wrong? I was starting from the bottom and then stopping! I had no words of praise for my Creator! No sorrow in my heart for my day's failings! Rarely did I even give Him a "thank you." I'm humbled to say that I was selfish and lousy, but so grateful for some guidance.

 

Another priest later that day (the Lord must have been trying to reach out to me...) reminded me of the obvious, well-known fact that I was born with two ears and one mouth. That's how I need to pray, as well, to listen twice as much as I speak. This may not work for me as I'm falling asleep, but I certainly keep this in mind throughout the day.

 

I have been using the A.C.T.S. method for a few days now and I'm ashamed that I never tried this sooner! Spending time simply adoring my Lord--well, I can't explain how good that feels and how I'm growing in love. Then, examining my conscience at the end of the day has made me more sensitive to sin. I feel more determined to correct my ways rather than continue on day after day, numbing myself to the pains I'm inflicting on His Sacred Heart. Then, really, even the secular world realizes the importance of having a grateful heart. Finally, if I'm still awake, I can come to the Lord with my prayer requests. If I don't even make it to that point, I am at peace knowing that my Guardian Angel can finish my prayers and that the Holy Spirit knows the concerns and requests of my soul.

I didn't grow up with a strong prayer life, so I feel like I'm still working on building a solid foundation of prayer. I still feel like a "newbie," but learning about A.C.T.S. has helped me. I needed some help, but I'm learning to love prayer. I hope someone else can find this helpful and learn to love it too.

Amazing what?

Grace.

I'll be honest. For most of my life, I had no idea what grace was. I don't even really remember talking about it growing up. Maybe I remember a little from high school. But I definitely couldn't have told you what it was. I know that this sounds all-too-familiar for cradle Catholics who grew up not really knowing or authentically practicing their faith. It's no wonder why I thought I didn't need to confess my sins, or pray, or feel the need for the Sacraments, especially the Eucharist. "For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, inhuman, implacable, slanderers, profligates, fierce, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding the form of religion but denying the power of it." (2 Timothy 3:2-5)

That segment of the verse describes my upbringing! Yep, I went to Mass sometimes, made the Sign of the Cross, did the sit/stand/kneel and went through the motions, had a cross in my bedroom, prayed when things got tough, but in almost everything I did, I just held onto the form of Catholicism, but denied the power of it. That power, being grace. 

Sometimes the grace got through all the walls I built up. I can only imagine how many times in my life I said something like, "I have no idea how I made it through that," or "I didn't think I could do it." I'm not talking about rather superficial things like finishing an exam or fixing something, but times of suffering and enduring. Times where I was so sad I thought I could drown in my sorrows; grace got me through. The times where it seemed like every door was closing on me and my life was crumbling in; grace got me through. The times I was frozen in fear; grace got me through. No matter how many times I tried to shut God out of my life, He still loves me more than I can fathom and as a loving Father, He still reaches out to me in any ways that He can.

But for much of my life, I lived without sanctifying or saving grace offered by Christ through His Bride, the Church. Thanks be to God, He gave me more time in my life to turn things around and return to a state of grace. I did, though, cut myself off of this saving grace through my sins. My own choices. I refused the graces, or help, that God was offering me to overcome my temptations, and I fell. Have you ever known someone with bad habits or lifestyles and you wished they would change? Have you ever pleaded with someone to not light that cigarette, or not have another drink? How upset and disappointed were you when they smoked again or drank again? The wounds that we inflict upon His Sacred Heart by our sins are nothing compared to the disappointment we feel in our loved ones.This is like God's offer of sanctifying grace to us, followed by our rejection of it, on a small scale.  Because He has the greatest capacity to love, He also has the greatest capacity to be hurt when we reject His saving help.

Once I began to have a knowledge and awareness of grace, the more I saw it in my life. It's literally everywhere. Constant. Like the air around me... all I have to do is breathe. But I need extra help to heed Jesus' call to "be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect" (Matt 5:48). My heart swells with gratitude for the Church and her Sacraments, which are visible signs of invisible graces. The most important and life-altering thing I did in my "re-version" was to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. By confessing my sins in the confessional, I acknowledged all the times that I sinned, refused God's grace, and damaged my relationship with Him and His Body, the Church. I confessed bad habits and unholy tendencies I had, and through the Sacrament, received the graces to overcome most of them--to this I can attest! The confessional was like a gate to the greatest source of graces: the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of our Lord, Himself! Being in a state of grace, I could receive the Eucharist worthily. Remember what St. Paul says:

For I received from the Lord what I also handed on to you, that the Lord Jesus, on the night he was handed over, took bread, and, after he had given thanks, broke it and said, “This is my body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way also the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the death of the Lord until he comes.

Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily will have to answer for the body and blood of the Lord. A person should examine himself, and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many among you are ill and infirm, and a considerable number are dying. (1 Corinthians 11:23-30)

The graces from the Eucharist are transforming my life all the time because I try hard to be open to them. Jesus told St. Faustina, "When I come to a human heart in Holy Communion, My hands are full of all kinds of graces which I want to give to the soul. But souls do not even pay attention to Me; they leave Me to Myself and busy themselves with other things. ... They treat Me as a dead object" (Diary of St. Faustina, 1385).

Reading that passage during my "re-version" process really made me stop and think, "What is grace?" and, "Is the Eucharist even important in my life?" My journey really took off from those questions, and now He is changing my life from the answers I sought. I pray for other cradle Catholics with similar experiences as mine, who can say, "I don't know what grace is," or, "I don't make it to Mass every week," which means, "I don't know what the Eucharist is." The Church offers every bit of help that we could possibly need to know, love, and serve Him and become the perfected lovers that we are called to be! Turn to her! I will be praying for you. Please pray for me too.

.

A child in his mother's arms

A quick update. My posts have been so spotty and infrequent in the last several months. I announced a while ago that I was having a baby... and I did! Sweet little Fulton, named after Venerable Fulton Sheen. I'm loving my new vocation as wife, mother, and homemaker. I keep very busy, but along with having a new baby, we had another life change. My husband and I moved to Wisconsin a couple months before Fulton was born. I know without a doubt that God's hand was all over this, so I am excited to know for what purpose we had to move from Montana to Wisconsin!

Now, back to the reason why I'm writing.

God is teaching me so much through my vocation as mother and wife.

Our vocations in life, assigned by God, are our paths to holiness. Whether we are called to married, single, or religious life, each brings us to a path of holiness when we rely on God's grace that is given to us to fulfill the vocation. Already, my son is teaching me so much about my faith and relationship to God. 

 "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..." Isaiah 66:13

"Rather, I have stilled my soul, like a weaned child to its mother, weaned is my soul." Psalm 131:2

I see these verses in a new, illumined light, thanks to my baby. Through all the moods and ups and downs that my son has, I know he is most relaxed, happy, and at peace when he is resting in my arms.. when he can just lay his head on my shoulder and melt into my embrace. Of course, being a baby, he's not always so calm. Sometimes he screams. He cries. He squirms. He seems to fight my embrace and all the love and comfort I long to give him. I know he knows that he feels so much better when he is just calm and will let me hold him, but sometimes he fights it.

Often, this is how I treat God.

I can think back to some times in my life where I just let go and fell into His arms. When I put all my worries aside and fell, peacefully and with total trust, into His embrace. I know this is how I should be all the time, with such complete trust in Our Lord that nothing can trouble me. But way too often I find myself being the fussy baby. I'm kicking and screaming because I want things my way or I want something that I can't get. I turn into that squirmy, screaming baby when I feel anxiety in my heart. When I'm relying too much on myself and refusing His grace. When I have fears and I let them consume me. I know it's easier just to give it to God and let Him love me. Why, then, do I fight it?

I never really understood this until I became a mother. But now I am more aware of the state of my soul and the trust I have (or have not) placed in God. When I feel frantic, like God is far from me and things are out of control.. when I'm looking around wondering why God won't hear my pleas to calm me down, now I'm able to think of my son. I'm able to take a step back and look at myself. Is God really trying to hold me and love me, but I'm squirming and crying too much to notice? How do I get to the point of pure, blissful inner peace, like this?

I'm thankful for the many hours I have spent just holding my baby as he sleeps. Not only has it given me precious time with my boy, but I have had long hours of prayer and meditation with Our Lord, just resting in His arms, feeling the love He longs to give me.

A baby is coming

After nine full months of pregnancy, my baby is due to arrive any day now. Throughout this journey, I have reflected often on the end of my pregnancy. You know, the scary, painful part of labor and delivery.

For my entire life, I have never liked taking pain medication. God willing, I will have this baby completely naturally, which I know will entail probably the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. On the surface, this terrifies me. I've been known to complain for days about a paper cut or a sore from biting my tongue. I've never considered myself to have a high pain tolerance. This puts more fear in me when I think about pushing this little (but not so little!) baby out of my body.

But that fear is eased, and even goes away completely, when I think about Christ and His passion. I see such distinct similarities and parallels between my impending labor and delivery and His passion and crucifixion.

For His whole life, Christ knew that His time would come. He knew he would be put through the most agonizing pain in His life. He knew how much He would suffer. I'm sure, as with any human mind, those thoughts bubbled up from time to time with a sense of anxiety. So, too, have I known my whole life that this day would come for me. That I, too, will be put through the most agonizing pain in my life. That I will suffer. And with every doctor's appointment, baby kick, new baby item, and glance in a mirror, these thoughts have bubbled up in my head, often, with a sense of anxiety. This great suffering is coming. It is God's will. I chose it, I accept it, but it's still scary.

Christ's precious body was completely broken apart. There was blood. There was stress on His joints and muscles. There were rips and cuts. He fell and must have thought that He could not possibly go on and carry that cross. His earthly body would never be the same. So too will my body be broken. There will be blood, stress, fatigue, and cuts. My body won't ever be the same. I will feel so exhausted and beat up that I will think I can't go on. I'm already thankful right now for my Simons of Cyrene--my husband, the nurses, and my doctor--who will help me carry my cross to the end goal.

Why did Christ even endure all this? Why did He willingly go through such agony and suffering? To give all of us life. Through His suffering, death, and resurrection, we can have eternal life beyond this earth. He loved us so much that the beatings were worth it. The cross was worth it. The thorns and nails were worth it. My labor and delivery is worth it to give life to my child. The scars and new look and feel of my body will be worth it to give someone else life. My love is so strong for this baby that it is all worth it.

So yes, I have been scared and anxious for the last nine months thinking about this upcoming day. But Christ gives meaning to suffering. Not only has He shown me how great it is to suffer in order to give life to others, but I can unite my suffering with His. My only peace and consolation comes from Jesus, and I look forward to my passion as a time of grace.

Please say a prayer for me, my husband, our baby, and all of the doctors and nurses who will help us. I can't wait to meet our baby!