Washing away the filth

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been almost 9 years since my last confession….”

 

Those were some hard words to muster this past August.

 

I remember the last time I went to Confession, back in 2003. My high school held penance services twice a year. Several priests from throughout our deanery would come and were scattered about our gym, far enough apart so that you couldn’t hear the confessions nearby. It was my freshman year; I had gone to Confession that winter for Advent. I remember sitting on the bleachers around my friends, examining my conscience. And then I got up and went to my parish priest. When I was done, I didn’t know my next Confession would be as an adult, a married woman with another name, living in another state. I remember my school’s penance service again that spring (Lent) of my freshman year. I can still hear the moment that I really de-railed from my authentic Catholic faith, becoming just a nominal Catholic, when one of my old friends said, “I don’t need to tell a priest my sins. I can just tell God myself and He will forgive me.” I believed the lie, and I did not go to Confession. I threw away the 2000-year-old, perfected road map and picked up something else that took me in another direction during the most vulnerable time of my life.

 

Fast-forward almost 9 years and here I am in Montana. A lot of things happened all at once in the summer of 2012. I realized how much free time I had outside of work, so I started renting books from the library. In particular, I started reading books by Venerable Fulton Sheen. We were getting to know some great Catholic couples who were very well-versed in their faith and took it very seriously. It was very inspiring. The battle for religious freedom from the unconstitutional HHS Mandate was still red-hot, and I really wanted to understand why the US Bishops were fighting it so hard. Still, on top of all these outside influences, the most important was what was happening inside me. I can only describe it as the Holy Spirit pursuing me and moving me. It felt almost as though He had found that road map I had thrown away almost 9 years ago and was urging me to take another look at it. I was able to truly look at myself and see the sick state of my soul. I continued to learn more because although a large part of me wanted to live that authentic Catholic life, a part of me still wanted to stay “comfortable” and not challenge myself, so I was looking for a way out. A part of me still wanted to keep things simple (“don’t interfere with my life or conscience”) because I did not want to be a “crazy” Catholic (read: different from modern society). I thought I would lose a lot because the Church seemed to have so many “rules” and in my selfish, resistant spirit, I couldn’t yet see that those “restrictions” are actually freeing.

 

The road back to the confessional was not easy and it was not quick. It took months. I would constantly recall my sins and they still weighed heavily on me, but I tried to ignore it. I read Your Life is Worth Living: The Christian Philosophy of Life by Fulton Sheen and the Diary of St. Maria Kowalska Faustina. Between those two books, I found the guts I needed to face my fear of the confessional and I found a true conversion of heart, an essential step for a good confession. I had made up my mind that I was going to go.

 

Even after I had made up my mind, it still took me almost 2 months to gather the courage to actually do it. I had to figure out what in my life was gravely sinful and make the decision to live that way no longer. I had a great fear of something unfamiliar to me. How do I make a good confession? Is it face-to-face in our confessional? Will the priest recognize me? What will he think of me? I don’t know the Act of Contrition. What if I forget what to do once I'm in there? 

 

I spent a few weeks examining my conscience, trying to recall my sins of the past 9 years. I wrote them down as I remembered them. I ended up with 3 full pages of notebook paper. I thought I would start out with my worst (mortal) sins to try and get them out of the way as soon as possible. The night before my confession, I was very focused. I was steeped in prayer, constantly going over my examination of conscience list and my written confessions. I did not eat anything after dinner and was determined to fast until I was back in full communion with the Church. Before bed, I thought it would be best to practice saying everything out loud, in my own voice. That was one of the hardest things I ever did. Saying things in your head is infinitely more different than saying things out loud. Halfway through, I started to cry, and I cried hard. I literally felt as though I had outwardly covered myself with dirt and filth. When I was done, I went to my husband and told him that I thought I was the worst person on earth, because surely no one can have an awful list like me.

 

The next morning I woke up to go to Saturday morning Mass. I denied myself the Eucharist, which hurt, but I should have been that doing all along. My heart was racing as I got in line after Mass, and I fervently prayed for help. I wanted to speak to Father (acting in persona Christi) as a child would, without pride or embarrassment. I entered the confessional, knelt behind the screen, and pulled out my list. I began to cry again halfway through, but I made it. When Father had absolved me, I felt like all that dirt that I had smeared all over myself the night before had just been washed away. I could breathe easier and walk taller than I had in years because the Sacrament of Reconciliation is real. I was back in full communion with the Church and I felt the graces abound from the Sacrament. There were sins that I confessed that I was sure I would commit again just because they had been such a part of my life, but the graces received through the Sacrament are real and I have been able to keep from many of those sins.

 

My journey back to the confessional was long, but I do not regret the choices or lifestyle changes I have made in order to return to my authentic Catholic faith and an authentic relationship with Jesus.

 

My timing in sharing this is not a coincidence. I dearly pray for Catholics to return to the confessional, especially during this season of penance. I know it took me a long time to “get ready,” but we are about 2 months away from Easter. Use the Lenten season to just take a look in the mirror at least. Spiritually, are you where you want to be? Are you aware of mortal sins? How is your relationship with Jesus? Do you associate your sins with His suffering? How well-formed are you in Catholic catechesis?

 

Just Google, “Returning to Confession.” It’s never too late and you won’t regret it.