Are You Hot or Cold?

I sincerely wished that today’s readings fell on a Sunday or Holy Day, so that most Catholics could hear them. Actually, the ones that need to hear these readings may not even be at Sunday Mass to hear them anyways! So, in case you did not attend Daily Mass today, here were the readings:

Reading 1: Revelation 3:1-6, 14-22
I, John, heard the Lord saying to me:

"To the angel of the Church in Sardis, write this:

"'The one who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars says this: "I know your works, that you have the reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Be watchful and strengthen what is left, which is going to die, for I have not found your works complete in the sight of my God. Remember then how you accepted and heard; keep it, and repent. If you are not watchful, I will come like a thief, and you will never know at what hour I will come upon you. However, you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their garments; they will walk with me dressed in white, because they are worthy.

"'The victor will thus be dressed in white, and I will never erase his name from the book of life but will acknowledge his name in the presence of my Father and of his angels.

"'Whoever has ears ought to hear what the Spirit says to the churches.'"

"To the angel of the Church in Laodicea, write this:

"'The Amen, the faithful and true witness, the source of God's creation, says this:

"I know your works; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, 'I am rich and affluent and have no need of anything,' and yet do not realize that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I advise you to buy from me gold refined by fire so that you may be rich, and white garments to put on so that your shameful nakedness may not be exposed, and buy ointment to smear on your eyes so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and chastise. Be earnest, therefore, and repent.

"'Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, then I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me. I will give the victor the right to sit with me on my throne, as I myself first won the victory and sit with my Father on his throne.

"'Whoever has ears ought to hear what the Spirit says to the churches.'"

Responsorial Psalm: Psalms 15:2-3a, 3bc-4ab, 5
R. (Rev. 3: 21) I will seat the victor beside me on my throne.
He who walks blamelessly and does justice;
who thinks the truth in his heartand slanders not with his tongue.
R. I will seat the victor beside me on my throne.
Who harms not his fellow man,nor takes up a reproach against his neighbor;
By whom the reprobate is despised,while he honors those who fear the LORD.
R. I will seat the victor beside me on my throne.
Who lends not his money at usuryand accepts no bribe against the innocent.
He who does these thingsshall never be disturbed.
R. I will seat the victor beside me on my throne.

Gospel: Luke 19:1-10
At that time Jesus came to Jericho and intended to pass through the town. Now a man there named Zacchaeus, who was a chief tax collector and also a wealthy man, was seeking to see who Jesus was; but he could not see him because of the crowd, for he was short in stature. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore tree in order to see Jesus, who was about to pass that way. When he reached the place, Jesus looked up and said, "Zacchaeus, come down quickly, for today I must stay at your house." And he came down quickly and received him with joy. When they saw this, they began to grumble, saying, "He has gone to stay at the house of a sinner." But Zacchaeus stood there and said to the Lord, "Behold, half of my possessions, Lord, I shall give to the poor, and if I have extorted anything from anyone I shall repay it four times over." And Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house because this man too is a descendant of Abraham. For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save what was lost." 

Really, the emphasis is on the passage from the Book of Revelation, and I made my own emphases in the bolded print. First, we see that God is calling us out on our hypocrisy and misunderstanding. All of us would claim to be alive, because our bodies are, in fact, alive. But we can easily be “alive” on the outside, but dead on the inside. Many of us have voluntarily or inadvertently “killed” our own spirits, stifled our souls, and are only living as animals… with a biological, living body, and nothing more. God is trying to tell us to look in the mirror! We are not as “alive” as we claim to be! But in every harsh word and reality check from God comes the hope. He says that it is never too late for any of us. “Strengthen what is left.” It is only after our death on this earth and after being cast into Hell that it is “too late.” There is always “something left” that we can cling to and strengthen. “Remember then how you accepted and heard; keep it, and repent.” Surely, all of us have felt something in our lives that turned us to God. Even if it was for a short while, surely all of us have had within us that glimpse of true faith. We have that memory in us so that we can go back to that time and re-do it and then make it stick. 

Next is my favorite part. This should be the alarm clock going off loudly, without a snooze button. It should be the annoying smoke detector that won’t seem to turn off. It should be the emergency broadcast system on your TV that keeps interrupting your show. This should be the wake-up call. "I know your works; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.” It has been written for almost 2000 years, but this is such an important time! The modern world is becoming increasingly secular and it doesn't want to hear the Truth. Even in the United States, our most cherished freedom, religious freedom, is threatened. It is time. No more “Cafeteria Catholics.” The “a-la-carte Catholics” and “Camouflage Catholics.” The “ChrEasters,” nominal, non-practicing, and lukewarm Catholics. The Catholics by name or association instead of by action and lifestyle. Jesus doesn’t want them. They leave a bad taste in His mouth, and He spits them out. It is not good enough to just call yourself a Christian or a Catholic, and maybe practice it for one day a week within the walls of a church. It's not enough to post on Facebook that "God is good! :)" and leave it at that, without constant prayer, without constantly striving for spiritual perfection, without constantly having God on your mind, and without that deep desire to love everyone and bring others to God. Christ should reside in every fiber of your being. 

His words may sound harsh again. But as before, and as always, with every reality check comes the message of hope. "'Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, then I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.” If someone looks in the mirror and sees someone who is lukewarm, that is great! You can’t change something that you don’t acknowledge! But upon acknowledging, you have a decision to make. Do you then hear Jesus behind the door, knocking for you to let Him in? He knocks at the door to your heart. He is always there to rush in and greet you with loving arms, but only if you hear the knock and open the door. Do you open the door, or continue to ignore His knock? Or even yell at Him to go away? Will you be hot with love, with a heart set on fire by the Holy Spirit? Will you be cold and try and live without the love and mercy of God? Or will you continue to stand still, dragging your feet in the mud, going neither here nor there?

Well..?

God love you!

I Really Didn't Like Going to Church...

I think one big thing that many people struggle with is the Mass. There are a whole range of issues that people have with church. And growing up, I had probably every one of those issues with going to church.

I have missed a lot of Sundays and Holy Days in my 20-something years of life. I am certainly not proud of it, but I have received forgiveness through the Sacrament of Confession, thanks be to God. I used to hate going to church. I thought it was boring. I was thinking about all the other things I could have been doing, including sleeping in. My mind certainly was never on the Mass.. not taking in any of the readings, the prayers, or the homily. I didn't like saying the prayers aloud, or singing aloud; I would mouth everything without a sound coming out. My eyes were always on the other people around me.. what they were wearing, who they were, how they were acting. Getting up to receive Communion was more about seeing the other church members and making sure that I wasn't going to trip or step on the heels in front of me, instead of approaching and receiving my Lord Jesus in His Flesh and Blood. At the end of Mass, when the priest says, "The Mass has ended. Let us go in peace to love and to serve the Lord," and we respond, "Thanks be to God," this phrase I did say aloud, excitedly, as if to say, "Thank God the Mass is over and I can go home!!!"

It hurts to admit all these things, but this is who I was. Not all the time, of course. There were times in my life when I was going through tough times or times that I felt close to God, and church meant a little more; but on the whole, my attitude towards church was one of indifference.

When laying out all these confessions, I realize how selfish I was. I wanted the Mass to be about me. I wanted it to entertain me. I wanted the Mass to be at a time that was convenient for me. I didn't want to sing the boring, drawn-out music. I didn't want to sit and listen for an hour. Actually, I would rather have sat the whole time than stand and kneel.

Why did I ever think that church was about me?

Church is not for me. It is not for you. It is not for us. Church is for God. Keep holy the Sabbath Day. Holy. Dragging myself out of bed in my sweat pants and daydreaming for an hour--if I made it to church at all--is not holy. It is not reverent. It is a blatant disregard for the third Commandment. My attitude and actions spoke loudly, and they said, "God, I'm only really supposed to give You one hour a week, to praise, worship, and thank You, as my God, my Creator, my Judge, and the One Who will decide my salvation, but I can't even do that. I want to thank and worship You on my terms, in my time, and how I see fit. Thanks for understanding." I would think about how I would want church... with more fun music, more dialog/interaction within the congregation, maybe even have treats to fill our bellies... but that would have been a way for me to just fit my "worship" in ways that fit and please me based on what I like and what is "cool" at the time.

There were two things that I learned that started my transformation, from dreading Sunday mornings, to now loving Sundays which is now my favorite day of the week:

1. The Mass was not about me. It was not for me, it was for God.
2. I was only going to get out of it what I put into it.

If I was there, wishing that I was somewhere else, not listening to the readings or the homily, and not feeling the presence of God, then I was not going to get anything out of it. So yes, then I would wish I was somewhere else because it seemed like a wasted hour.

Realizing that the Mass was not for me, but for God, transformed my mind into a complete state of awe and reverence. Church used to feel rather informal to me, because I just thought Jesus was my buddy and that I could sort of "hang out" with Him like I would my friends. But this mindset made the Mass about me. I think of Sundays and Holy Days as if they were similar to Mother's Day and Father's Day. On these days, the children are expected to give their complete attention, praise, thanks, and love to their parent. Their gifts are from the heart and for the parent, and without any double motive, like giving Mom your favorite chocolate so that you can have some later, or to give Dad your favorite movie so that you, too, can watch it. But it is about the parents, not the child. The child also doesn't bring their parent to their favorite park or arcade so that the child can have fun. The child usually opts for activities that the parent likes, whether or not the child enjoys it. So, too, is the Mass. Sunday is the Lord's Day, so to tailor the Mass to our liking strips it of its selfless sacrifice and reverence.

I think that whoever can accept the two ideas above can transform their ideas about Mass. Those issues that I had completely fell away, and now I love everything about church. May I just name a few things that I love most?

• I love that the crucifix is front and center in the Catholic churches. As I walk in, it is that first reminder that I am somewhere holy, that I have sinned and caused that crucifiction, and that God is All-Powerful and yet All-Loving.
• I love all of the ritualistic gestures made throughout the Mass. I put my heart into each genuflection before I enter and when I leave the pew; I acknowledge that I am truly in the presence of God, both in His house and facing the ever-present Flesh and Blood in the Tabernacle. I love bowing my head when I say or hear the Holy name of Jesus Christ. He is more than my "home boy;" He is my God, and His name is sacred. I love bowing my head during the Nicene Creed (...And by the Holy Spirit, was incarnate of the Virgin Mary, and became man...). We bow in order to honor one of the most important events in history: when God became man. I love making small crosses with my thumb on my forehead, lips, and heart, before hearing the Gospel. This symbolizes that the word of the Lord be in our minds, on our lips, and in our hearts. I love the change in the wording to the Confiteor, to better reflect the Latin translation, and beating my chest three times (Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault...). My sins are real, and I fully acknowledge them, and the schism they can cause between me and God, and how they block His grace.
• I love to kneel during Mass, to show with my body language humility before God, and to show deep awe, reverence, and respect.
• I love to sing the hymns and responsorial Psalm, because I want God to hear my praise.
• I love to dress up for church, because it puts me in the right frame of mind. I know that I am in a holy and special place (God's house), and I want to show as much respect for Him and His Day as I can.
• I love keeping quiet during Mass (and I love it with people around me are quiet too). It is hard to get your mind right, to fall into deep prayer and meditation, and to drown yourself in God if you are talking to someone or if people are talking around you. It goes back to the Mass being about God and not me. I am not there to socialize, but to worship God, and to come into close union with Him, without worldly distractions.
• Of course, I love the true presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. I love the tedious care that the priests take in handling the bread and wine turned Body and Blood. I love the deep feeling of unworthiness that I feel, not only to be in His presence, but to receive Him. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

Those are just a few things, and I discover new things all the time.

One of my high school Theology teachers used to say something that still sticks with me to this day... he said that you should run to church, with a smile on your face, and look forward to it like it's a holiday or birthday. I loved that idea, even if I couldn't live it for most of my life. But now I can say that I look forward to church. All the problems I had with the Mass were my own problems. Now, I love that time I get to spend with God, both on a personal level because I try to block out all distractions and set my heart on Him, and on a communal level because I am with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm thankful that I have received this grace. As Venerable Fulton Sheen said, "After your car is filled with gasoline, it will not drive itself. Grace will move you only when you want it to move you, and only when you let it move you."


God love you!

The Moon reflects the Son

One of my favorite aspects about Catholicism is our devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. We are the lucky ones who acknowledge and embrace Her as our Mother! Of all the differences between Catholics and other Christians, this is the one disagreement that I least understand. Devotion to our Blessed Mother is not only biblical, but logical.

Loving and venerating our Blessed Mother is not the same as worshipping her. We never worship Mary; we only worship God. But of all the humans to ever walk the earth, Mary holds the most special place of them all. She gave birth to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! She is literally the Mother of God. All of us have earthly parents. Those of us who accept Jesus Christ as our Savior also recognize that we have a Heavenly Family--Christ our Brother, and God our Father. It only makes logical sense that because Christ is our Brother, that His Mother would also be our Mother, as His Father is also our Father. Lucky for us, too, it is written in Scripture, that Jesus gave us His Mother. When He was dying on the cross, overcome with pain and exhaustion, and very near to the end, He looked down to see John, Mary Magdalen, Mary His Mother, and Her sister Mary of Cleophas. St. John recounts:

When Jesus therefore had seen his mother and the disciple standing whom he loved, he saith to his mother: Woman, behold thy son. After that, he saith to the disciple: Behold thy mother. And from that hour, the disciple took her to his own. (John 19:26-27)

He commanded Mary to become the Mother of all men. He commanded all men to embrace Mary as their spiritual Mother. Thank you, Jesus!

Let's back-track a little and go all the way back to the Old Testament. In the Book of Isaiah, Mary's own existence and role in history was prophesied. "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Emmanuel." Isaiah 7:13-14. No one can deny that this virgin was Mary. I love to look at St. Luke's first two chapters about Jesus' birth and Mary's importance in history. Particularly, let's first look at the annunciation and the visitation:

And in the sixth month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God into a city of Galilee, called Nazareth,To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And the angel being come in, said unto her: Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women. Who having heard, was troubled at his saying, and thought with herself what manner of salutation this should be. And the angel said to her: Fear not, Mary, for thou hast found grace with God. Behold thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and shalt bring forth a son; and thou shalt call his name Jesus. He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the most High; and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of David his father; and he shall reign in the house of Jacob for ever. And of his kingdom there shall be no end. And Mary said to the angel: How shall this be done, because I know not man? And the angel answering, said to her: The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the most High shall overshadow thee. And therefore also the Holy which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God. And behold thy cousin Elizabeth, she also hath conceived a son in her old age; and this is the sixth month with her that is called barren: Because no word shall be impossible with God. And Mary said: Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to thy word. And the angel departed from her. And Mary rising up in those days, went into the hill country with haste into a city of Juda. And she entered into the house of Zachary, and saluted Elizabeth. And it came to pass, that when Elizabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the infant leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost: And she cried out with a loud voice, and said: Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. And whence is this to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For behold as soon as the voice of thy salutation sounded in my ears, the infant in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed art thou that hast believed, because those things shall be accomplished that were spoken to thee by the Lord.

I added emphasis to a few parts here. For one, as I stated above, Mary is the virgin prophesied by Isaiah. Mary was no ordinary woman, for Gabriel says, "Hail, full of grace...blessed art thou among women." Mary was full of grace and blessed among all women! God's own messenger said so!

We believe that Mary was conceived and born without sin. This makes some wonder if Mary did not need Jesus to be saved, but that is not true. Mary was just saved first, while we are saved second. Or to us an analogy: sometimes children may play around a well, and only after they fall in do they need to be saved. This is our fall and saving from original sin. However, sometimes a child may also go near a well, and he may be saved before he ever falls in. This was Mary's saving. Later in the Gospel, Mary also confirms that she was saved when she said, "my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior." She needed to be saved from Her sin first because She could not have been born with sin. She had to have been a perfect human, the new Eve, to be the only one who could bear Jesus, God, the New Adam. Those who deny Mary's sinlessness must not truly believe that Jesus was both fully human and fully Divine. A sin is any "offense against God." A woman who has even the slightest offense against God on her soul, cannot possibly bear He Who is God. She had to have been perfect in order to give Jesus a perfect human nature. Just as God the Father gave Jesus his Divinity, so too did Mary give Jesus His perfect humanity.

We also know that God created Mary, as He creates all of us. Logic would tell us, too, that God would have wanted a perfect Mother for Himself. Mary was the only mother in history who was created by her child. Who wouldn't want to make the most perfect, beautiful, kind woman possible to be their mom? "Before I formed thee in the bowels of thy mother, I knew thee..." Jeremiah 1:5.  

Now let's continue in Luke's Gospel, where we left off. After Elizabeth's greeting to the "Mother of [our] Lord," Mary, too, was moved by the God Who was within Her and exclaimed her beautiful Magnificat:

My soul doth magnify the Lord.
And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.
Because he hath regarded the humility of his handmaid; for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.
Because he that is mighty, hath done great things to me; and holy is his name.
And his mercy is from generation unto generations, to them that fear him.
He hath shewed might in his arm: he hath scattered the proud in the conceit of their heart. He hath put down the mighty from their seat, and hath exalted the humble.
He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.
He hath received Israel his servant, being mindful of his mercy:
As he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his seed for ever.

Again, I make a few emphases. The first statement is Mary's purpose. We don't look to Mary for the sake of looking to Her, but for Her to magnify Jesus, to make Him bigger, more important, to grow our love for Him, to point us in the right direction. Mary is like the moon. The moon only reflects the sunlight. Without the sun, the moon is just another rock. But with the sun, the moon becomes radiant and bright. We see the moon best when we are in the dark, but we also see the moon during the day. The moon takes nothing away from the sun, but just reflects its light. So, too, is Mary the Moon, reflecting the light of Her Son. Without Him, she is but another woman. With Him, she is the Mother of all mothers, the Mother of God. Her prophesy is that all generations may call Her Blessed. So it is written, so it shall be done. Did you know that even Muslims consider Mary to be "most blessed" in Heaven? Her nearest "rival" is Fatima, the daughter of Mohammed, but even upon her death, Mohammed said and it is written, "Thou shalt be most blessed of all the women in Paradise, after Mary." She is mentioned at least 34 times in the Qu'ran, where Her perpetual virginity and sinlessness are taught as truth. Mary may very well be the one common link to bring peace between the Muslim and Christian worlds. Martin Luther, considered the father of the Protestant Reformation, also held Mary to a high regard. In his famous 95 Theses against the Catholic Church, number 75 suggests that violating (or failing to respect) Mary is one of the greatest sins man can make. (75. To consider papal indulgences so great that they could absolve a man even if he had done the impossible and had violated the Mother of God is madness). It can't make Jesus very happy for His brothers and sisters to ignore, or even violate, His own Mother. When we visit a friend's home and family, we do not ignore their mother. Just because we came over to see our friend, it is no reason to ignore their mother! That does not land us in good favor with the mother or the friend. It is more suitable to have conversations with their mother. Even more chivalrous is to do something nice, like bring her flowers! Our friend would not be upset because we are paying attention to their mother instead of them. It would please them more than you showed such respect and love to the person they love so much.

The bond and love between Jesus and Mary was unlike any human and spiritual love that this world has ever known. Jesus the God loved Mary because He loved everyone, and especially She who was full of grace. Jesus the man loved Mary because she was His Mommy! Likewise, Mary's soul purely loved Jesus because He was Her God. Mary the Mom also loved Jesus because He was Her Little Boy! Her only Son of the flesh. We don't stop loving a family member just because they have died, and neither did the love between Jesus and Mary end. For 30 years, ten times longer than His time with His disciples, Jesus was subject to Mary as His Mother. He began His Ministry at the request of His Mother at the wedding at Cana. Jesus cannot refuse the request of His Mother, just like none of us can disregard our mothers' requests. So we turn to Mary to intercede for us and guide us. As She did in Cana, She will tell us, "Do whatever He tells you." She understands the anticipation of receiving Him and seeing His beautiful Face, as She did for nine months before His birth; She can help us to build such anxious anticipation. She understands what it is like to lose Him, when She lost Him at the Temple. She was frantic and felt a darkness without Him; She can help Her children when we, too, lose Jesus in our lives. At Her request, Jesus performed His first miracle and began His Ministry; she can intercede for us. Her requests are powerful and who can refuse their own mother?

My hope is for Catholics to increase their love and devotion to Mary, our Universal Mother, and for other Christians to "behold thy Mother" and "call her blessed." The Church has beautiful prayers for Mary. Of course, we have the Hail Mary (note that most of the prayer is derived from the Gospel of Luke from above):

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee! Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Another prayer I have fallen in love with is the Memorare:

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who feld to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

Of course the ultimate prayer to Mary is the Rosary. Rosary means "crown of roses" and it is a sort of spiritual boquet given to our Mother. It's an incredibly powerful prayer. During each decade (ten Hail Marys), you meditate on various mysteries, and most are about the life, death, and ministry of Jesus. The vast majority of the Rosary is based in Scripture, and it is no more a vain repetition of prayers than it is a vain repetition to tell a loved one "I love you" over and over again. We can never spend enough time in our lives meditating on Jesus and telling Him (or our Mother!) "I love You." The times that I have sincerely asked Mary to teach me or enlighten me through a meditation, my request was answered, and I entered deeper into the mystery, learning something so profound that I never knew before. I can attest to the power of the Rosary. It is something that I pray with my husband every night, and it is like a meal to my soul.

Growing in love and devotion to Her can only keep you on the right path, as any mother would try and steer their children in the right direction. The moon will enhance the beauty of the daytime sky, and shine brightest when you are in the darkness.

Blessed Mother, Our Lady, Queen of Heaven, pray for us!

And a great sign appeared in heaven: A woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars: And being with child, she cried travailing in birth, and was in pain to be delivered... And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with an iron rod: and her son was taken up to God, and to his throne. Revelation 12:1-2,5

And then the sun came up

It has only been about 12 hours since the results of the election came in and I have been on a whirlwind of a roller coaster. I had hope all day that the election would come out in Mitt Romney’s favor. This election was critical. I finished my election novena, I fasted all morning, I voted, and I went to adoration for an hour. I stayed in prayer all day, and then the results kept coming in. With each blue state, I became more and more anxious. I felt this deep fear in my body. All I could think of were all the murdered children and all the Catholic and Christian institutions whose futures were on the line. And then came Ohio. The state declared blue and my heart and throat sank to the bottom of my stomach. I stared in disbelief as the race was declared over. President Obama had been re-elected for another four years. I thought I could hold myself together. I was angry. I was sad. I felt a numbing but burning pain deep within me. I went upstairs in the dark by myself. I fell to the floor at the top of the stairs and lost it. I cried my eyes out, purging all my pain. For a moment, I felt like I was carrying the unbearable weight of the pain and sin from the millions of abortions that happened in Obama's first four years. I felt the plunge of the sword from our country that has become increasingly secular. I felt the pain of the ever-falling moral standards of our country. I felt the pain and struggle of Catholic and Christian institutions that saw their hopes of religious liberty dashed. I felt the evil joy of Satan's victory dance. I let out this forceful but silent scream that I can only describe as a purging of raw pain and emotion. I immediately thought of Jesus Christ and His Agony in the Garden of Gethsemane. I went right into a quick meditation, understanding that what I felt, physically, mentally, and spiritually, was only a fraction of what Jesus felt. His Agony was a purging of all the sins of the world—past, present, and future—and for the deep fear He felt of the future He had before him. Here I was, thinking I was going to pass out with agony. It is no wonder that blood came out as sweat upon His sweet Face.

After that brief meditation, I got myself up, but I was still just as pained on the inside. Tears just sat in my red eyes while I got ready for bed. I prayed a decade of the Rosary with my husband, pondering the irony of the meditations of the Sorrowful Mysteries on Tuesdays, and then quickly fell asleep. I tossed and turned all night, dreaming of the elections, dreaming that by some miracle, California would turn red, or that the counts for the other states were wrong. But all night, I kept waking up in my own nightmare. In the morning I had to face it, waking up in my dark nightmare again. Obama was president. I asked my husband if it was real. It felt like such a bad dream and all I had to do was wake up and my pain would cease. But it wasn’t a dream. This is real.

I got myself ready with the darkness outside. It felt dark inside, too. I wasn’t hungry, but I forced myself to have breakfast. I wanted to curl up in a ball in the dark bedroom, but I had to get ready for work. I didn’t realize it when it happened, but on my way to work, I heard something on the radio that changed my day. Someone else had to tell me what I already knew was true. God works wonders through His children to reach us when we ignore His voice in our hearts.

As I was getting ready this morning, the sun came up, just as it did the day before, the day before that, and every day of my life. God willing, it will rise again tomorrow, and the next day.

The sun came up.

One new thing I adopted in embracing my Catholic faith again was the online blogging community--from the laity to Cardinals, and everyone in between. I didn’t realize it until today, but I sort of consider these people to be my spiritual directors. I knew they would have positive things to say, to remind me that everything would be okay, because God said so. I ran to these blogs and those on Facebook. Here are some of the beautiful reminders I received this morning:

(From J.R.R. Tolkien and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy)

Frodo: "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us"

“Look on the bright side, in order for Jesus to establish His Kingdom, He must dismantle ours.”

“He causes the changes of the times and seasons, establishes kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who understand.” Daniel 2:21

“Therefore, brothers, stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that you were taught, either by an oral statement or by a letter of ours.” 2 Thessalonians 2:15

“The truth is not always the same as the majority decision.” –Blessed John Paul II

“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.” –Blessed John Paul II

And what really spoke to me today, a beautiful God-incidence, which I hope most Catholics read or heard this morning, is the first reading and the responsorial Psalm from today’s Mass:

Philipians 2:12-18

So, my dear friends, you have always been obedient; your obedience must not be limited to times when I am present. Now that I am absent it must be more in evidence, so work out your salvation in fear and trembling. It is God who, for his own generous purpose, gives you the intention and the powers to act. Let your behavior be free of murmuring and complaining so that you remain faultless and pure, unspoilt children of God surrounded by a deceitful and underhand brood, shining out among them like bright stars in the world, proffering to it the Word of life. Then I shall have reason to be proud on the Day of Christ, for it will not be for nothing that I have run the race and toiled so hard. Indeed, even if my blood has to be poured as a libation over your sacrifice and the offering of your faith, then I shall be glad and join in your rejoicing—and in the same way, you must be glad and join in my rejoicing.

Responsorial Psalm, Psalms 27:1, 4, 13-14

[Of David] the Lord is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear? The Lord is the fortress of my life, whom should I dread? One thing I ask of the Lord, one thing I seek: to dwell in the Lord's house all the days of my life, to enjoy the sweetness of the Lord, to seek out his temple. This I believe: I shall see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living. Put your hope in the Lord, be strong, let your heart be bold, put your hope in the Lord.

How loud the Scripture speaks to us, some days more than others. I have nothing to fear, because God is in control. Who am I to question His motives and Divine Plan? Why would I think that my plan is any better than His? If we can compare His Divine Plan to a large painting, and each of us and each moment in history is but a swipe of the brush, how can we say, "That swipe doesn’t belong there," when we cannot see the big picture? We can’t. God is painting something beautiful. God is in control.

The Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci

It is easy to lament in these times. Abortions hare happening at an alarming rate, at any time (even to the moment of birth) and for any reason (sex selection, for example), and becoming commonplace in society; contraceptives are so accepted that no one can even make the connection between the pill and the collapse of our moral standards in society; the culture of death is growing; and our religious freedoms are being trampled. As my dad would say, it is easier to pull people down than to pull them back up. Well, a lot of people have been pulled down. These seem like dark times. It seems hopeless that we can fix things without an even larger crash that would disrupt all of our lives. But it will be okay. We can either believe that things will never get better and just ride out the storm, silently, to the end. Or we can “use our powers to act” (see the reading from Philipians above) and fight for the Kingdom and all these lost souls. These days can either make us cower or make us stronger. I’m choosing to be stronger. Jesus is my King, not the government. Because it is harder, I have to fight harder now to bring about the Truth to our world, even if it means leaping out of my comfort zone. I have to fight harder to be a voice for the unborn. God willing, maybe I can even change a heart or two someday. I have to fight harder to let people know the difference between freedom OF religion and freedom FROM religion. (The government cannot establish a nation-wide religion (OF), but it cannot force the religious to limit their religious beliefs and practices to remain within the walls of their churches on Sundays, and completely free from influence of the lives of everyone else in society (FROM)).

Finally, one thing I found on Facebook put everything into complete perspective and it was so simple:

“Why is there so much hate? Is it worth it? We already know what happens in the end…”

Good triumphs over evil. God wins, Satan loses.

Revelation 20:1-10,21:1-5

Then I saw an angel come down from heaven with the key of the Abyss in his hand and an enormous chain. He overpowered the dragon, that primeval serpent which is the devil and Satan, and chained him up for a thousand years. He hurled him into the Abyss and shut the entrance and sealed it over him, to make sure he would not lead the nations astray again until the thousand years had passed. At the end of that time he must be released, but only for a short while. Then I saw thrones, where they took their seats, and on them was conferred the power to give judgment. I saw the souls of all who had been beheaded for having witnessed for Jesus and for having preached God's word, and those who refused to worship the beast or his statue and would not accept the brandmark on their foreheads or hands; they came to life, and reigned with Christ for a thousand years. The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were over; this is the first resurrection. Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection; the second death has no power over them but they will be priests of God and of Christ and reign with him for a thousand years. When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison and will come out to lead astray all the nations in the four quarters of the earth, Gog and Magog, and mobilise them for war, his armies being as many as the sands of the sea. They came swarming over the entire country and besieged the camp of the saints, which is the beloved City. But fire rained down on them from heaven and consumed them. Then the devil, who led them astray, was hurled into the lake of fire and sulphur, where the beast and the false prophet are, and their torture will not come to an end, day or night, for ever and ever…Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; the first heaven and the first earth had disappeared now, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride dressed for her husband. Then I heard a loud voice call from the throne, 'Look, here God lives among human beings. He will make his home among them; they will be his people, and he will be their God, God-with-them. He will wipe away all tears from their eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning or sadness or pain. The world of the past has gone.' Then the One sitting on the throne spoke. 'Look, I am making the whole of creation new. Write this, "What I am saying is trustworthy and will come true."

God love you.

How beautiful it is to see a marriage of three!

No, I am not talking about polygamy or "sister wives," but rather, a marriage that consists of a husband, wife, and Jesus Christ. God, who lies at the center of a marraige, makes it most beautiful. A field full of wildflowers is more beautiful than a field of grass. A lake full of clear water is more beautiful than a barren desert. So, too, a marriage full of God's presence and grace is more beautiful than one without.

My husband is a cradle Catholic, too. In some strange way, I really appreciate this. Even though it was ideally not in the Divine Plan for us to be such lax Catholics, I am thankful that God was patient with us. He gave us this many years already to change ourselves. He did not turn His back to us. He still loves us unconditionally. He gave me a husband who had a similar upbringing. Through this gift, we have been able to work on our faith journey together. It has been a beautiful discovery.

Our life and relationship have changed a lot in the last several months. We used to just spend time with each other. We would watch a lot of TV together, have dinner together, go on small get-aways together. We probably looked like the typical newlywed couple. But do you notice that our time was only spent with one another? Sure, we went to Mass on Sundays and prayed before dinner, but that was it. Other than that, it was just the two of us, and our [weak] relationships with God were personal and our own. Now, it's the three of us, and the three relationships are inseparable. We spend more time reading Sacred Scripture, reading and sharing other religious books, praying the Rosary every night before bed, talking about God, reading the Catechism during the Year of Faith, etc. Suddenly, it's not about the two of us anymore, but the three of us.

My deepest desire is for my husband to know God as much as possible and to get to Heaven. I now feel like I am working on fulfilling my true "wifey" duties. God graciously gave me my husband ("...what God has joined together..." Matthew 19:6) . He entrusted his little child to my care and love. "It is not good for man to be alone... That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife..." Genesis 2:18,24

We have set our eyes on God. We are on a journey, hand-in-hand, to Heaven. Through much prayer and conversation, we have come back in full communion with the Church. This would not have been possible for either of us on our own, or without the grace of God. Our relationship and marriage have never felt so full, so blessed, so full of His grace.

Thank You, Jesus, for being One in our triune marriage.

God love you.

To Be Counter-Cultural

I have heard over and over again that "being Catholic is counter-cultural." As someone who was born and raised Catholic, grew up with mostly Catholic family members and friends, I suppose I never quite understood what this meant. But if you refer back to my first post, you'll recall that I wasn't the faithful Catholic that I should have been. Everything was still safe and I still lived within the bounds of the American, materialistic way of life. Probably my most "counter-cultural" experiences were the looks I got for "dirt on my forehead" on Ash Wednesday.

I claimed to know Jesus. I claimed to love Jesus. But it felt safe. Something wasn't right.

If the world hate you, know ye, that it hath hated me before you. If you had been of the world, the world would love its own: but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. John 15:18-19

Christianity (especially Catholicism) is not easy because it is, in fact, counter-cultural. The times have changed a lot in 2000 years, but the Church has not. She has not watered down her teachings to fit modern advancements or ideals. There are so many things that the Church teaches that seem opposite of what the world preaches. Love your enemies and those who wrong you? Save sex for marriage? Don't use contraception? Dress and speak modestly? Embrace suffering?

Do these sound like ideas of the modern world? Of course not. The ideas of society and culture focus around the body and seek the things of this earth. Has anyone stopped to notice that first-world countries have more [food, water, money, shelter, comforts, medicine, entertainment, etc etc] than poor countries, but we are increasingly unhappy? 100 years ago, little girls found great enjoyment from making paper dolls and boys found great enjoyment in playing with sticks. A parent now would be laughed out of town, and possibly even questioned, for giving their child a paper doll or a stick for Christmas. Instead, they get all the latest electronics and everything else they could want. Why are they not as happy now? With so many ways to keep in touch with people, why are there so many more divorces and families that break apart? Why are there unhappy people who have good-paying jobs, food, a house, and a car?

The list can go on and on. The point is that the world and things of this world cannot make us truly happy, despite what our culture says. In my quest to seek God more, this was probably the hardest idea to confront and has continually been the hardest to overcome. It is not easy. I'm not saying that it is easy. All of us struggle with it. But, again, John 15:18-19.

This may make some people run away at this point. It's another result of our culture. If something is hard, just move onto something else. If something takes great time and effort, it's probably better to find a more efficient and quick way to reach the same end. But that is not the life of a Christian. It is hard, but it is worth it. There is more joy to be felt in the soul than our bodies could ever feel. This was another idea that I struggled with because I had never allowed my soul to feel true happiness. I couldn't connect with the people who preached that the joy of the soul was greater than the joy of the body. What did that even mean? How could they possibly be different? But of course I couldn't understand. I hardly acknowledged the existence of my soul, let alone fed it. My concern was always with myself. Watching TV always seemed much more appealing than reading the Bible or a religious book. Getting enough sleep always sounded better than praying before bed, or waking up early to pray. Eating was better than fasting. Running from difficult and emotional situations was always better than facing them and working through them. Being a bystander is easier than getting in the game. It's easier to cheer other people on, on their quest to God, than it is to jump in the race yourself.

It is hard, but it is worth it. I write this today, inspired by the joy in my heart. It's almost inexplicable. I feel wrapped in the Lord's Love. The world and time seemed to spin by without my knowing it. If you haven't heard it before, know that it is true, that the Holy Spirit is in all of us. At this moment, the Holy Spirit seemed nestled in me, like a baby in a mother's arms. No TV show, food, house, vacation, or pair of shoes could ever make me feel in such a way. When you turn to God, He runs to embrace you. He gives you times and moments like these to sustain you. His is a greater Love than the love from your friends, significant other, and family. It took me a long time to realize this, but I have now. I would rather have been left in the darkness today and given up that ecstasy I felt so that others might feel it. Those who are lost or lukewwarm. Those who speak of Jesus but don't feel of Jesus. Those who question the existence of something so Good. I am praying for you, and I think of you constantly. My brothers and sisters in Christ who know not the unconditional Love of God, or who have forgotten.

Consider the journey back to Him. If He still seems so intangible, read up on the lives of the saints. These were humans who also faced the hatred of the world in order to love God. Pray to our Blessed Mother, Mary. Because Christ is our Brother, Mary is our Mother. Sometimes it's easier to run to the sweet, loving arms of a mother before running to dad. I promise She will pray earnestly for you, and gently bring you to Her Son.

Small steps are okay. That has been my experience. It's been so hard to look at the things I knew as "life," the things that are so accepted by our society. It took a long time and a lot of mental struggle between what the world said was okay and why the Church said it was wrong. I fought the Church on a lot of issues because I was stubborn in my ways. I thought she was "old and out of touch" which is an argument I still hear very much. But in my "small steps" to see why she taught what she did, things started to click. There is a way to live your life with a sense of peace and joy. The Church preserves this way of life and the means to attain it, even through all of the cultural changes of the past, present, and into the future. You just have to decide what is your god. Money? Fasion and trends? Sex and contraception? Alcohol? Always looking for a "good time" and the next great adventure? Or the One, True, Loving, Almighty, and Eternal God? 


So we know and believe the love God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 1 John 4:16



God love you.